Intimacy, Longing, Musings, Purpose

I Set My Heart On You

The last few days have been so overwhelming, in a good way. And today, I finally got some time alone to breathe and process everything. My inner INFP sighs with relief.

Entering into this new year (I’m 23!), I set my heart on only one thing – Jesus. I don’t want to look at anything or anyone else, I want my eyes to be fixed only on the Face of beauty. I don’t know what will happen this year, but through good and bad, let me never leave the courts of His presence. Let me never be swayed, let me be so deeply rooted in the soil of Love.

If the point of my life is to love Him, I will throw all of myself into doing so. This is my sole desire, this is my heart’s pursuit.

I will fight for the One I love.

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Grace, Musings, Process

6 am Musings

God, who used mud and spit to perform an extraordinary miracle, is able also to use broken lives to reveal Himself. One does not have to be good in order to fit into His puzzle piece – only yielded. We often forget that in our weakness, He is shown strong. We forget that the best place to be is broken at His feet – utterly void of striving and self sufficiency. 

Bring me to the end of myself, so that You may begin. Let my story be ever only a telling of Yours. 

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Eschatology, Eternity, Longing

For This I Will Wait

“We sing to the Jewish Man, who’s forevermore our King. Glory to the Son of David, out of Zion He shall reign.”

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined.

For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace there will be no end, upon the throne of David and over His kingdom, to order it and establish it with judgment and justice from that time forward, even forever.

The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this. (Isaiah 9:2, 6-7 NKJV)

This is who I am living for, and this is what I am waiting for. My beautiful Jewish King is returning.

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Longing, Musings, Process, Trials, Wilderness

There’s A Gap

“What do I do here in the waiting?
What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?
What do I do here in the waiting?
Here in the tension of believing again and again and again

There’s a lack
There’s a gap in my soul
Between the things that I believe and I know

So Holy spirit
You who fill all and all
Come and fill me
Holy Spirit, come and hold me together

I fall into grace again
Yes I fall into grace again
Like a child I am

Like a child I am.”

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Grace, Intimacy, Longing, Musings, Pain, Process, Wilderness

Riding the Lows

It is easy to love God when you are in a room full of people passionately pursuing Him with you. It is easy to love Him after a big conference. It is easy to love Him when your heart is so full and when His presence is more tangible than the ground you stand on. It is easy when He comes and fuels your zeal, and when He causes your heart to burn with frightening intensity. Yes, I know the highs, and I love the highs. 

But He is teaching me to ride the lows as well. He is teaching me to love Him and to reach out to Him in the day to day mundaneness of life. It still isn’t easy. It never is. I struggle so hard to love when I cannot see, to press on when I cannot feel. Life gets so noisy, and I have to fight with all my might to keep my eyes focused and my heart turned towards the One I love so dearly. Sometimes I feel so weak and so incapable that I cry and cry. I cry at my inability to give Him what He deserves. I yearn to give Him so much, but I fall short and it makes me so heartbroken. 

Lately, the comforting blanket of His presence has been coming to cover me. It is like refreshing rain to my dry and barren soul. In those short moments, He tells me, “I am here. I am always here. Look at Me, just look at Me.” I cling on to these precious moments for dear life. They are slivers of grace given to strengthen me during the famines of His presence. 

I do not understand the purpose of the dark night, but I want to learn to love Him even when I cannot see. I do not understand why during certain seasons, His presence is more real than the air I breathe and why during others, He hides from me. I do not understand it at all. But I am learning to ride the lows. I am learning to trust that He sees the weak reaches of my weak heart. I am learning to trust that just one feeble glance of my eyes is enough to move Him. I am praying that the pursuit of my weak heart will delight Him, and that when I fight for the One I love, He will draw near to me in ways I have only ever imagined. 

I want more, and I will not stop pressing in, even in my weakness.

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Fear of God

Humility

I’ve read many deep and complex quotes attempting to define humility, but from my own encounters and understanding of the Word, I realized it is actually quite simple. 

Humility is acknowledging complete weakness and helplessness without God. Pride is thinking we are something apart of Him.

Man in all his pomp and grandeur is disregarded as nothing before His sight. Woe to the one who shakes his fist at God and sneers at Him, but blessed is the one who acknowledges their need for Him. He opposes the proud but He gives grace to the humble.

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Musings, Process

Resting in the Unknown

The fear of the unknown is a very real thing. Sometimes I give in to it, and I become so overwhelmed. I don’t know what’s next, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be. Everything is so uncertain. I can see the big picture, but I cannot see the little steps in between and that frightens me. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past. I’ve taken so many wrong turnings. Although He has worked all of it out for good to bring me to where I am right now, and make me into who I am right now, it was not without a big price. It was not without a lot of tears and pain. What if I make another mistake? What if I take another wrong turning? What if it costs me another few years? 

Although these questions are real and legitimate, I cannot afford to allow them a voice over my life. I cannot afford to give way to fear. I need to remind myself of whose hand I’m holding. I need to quiet my heart down and look at Him. 

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I saw the road ahead of me
Narrow and winding
Treasures untold and dangers unforeseen 
How I will walk this road?

Will I walk it well? Will I stumble? Will I fall? Am I able? Am I strong enough? Can I really do this and do it well? Do I have what it takes? 

All of these questions flood my mind… 

Doubts,
Anxieties,
Fears,
I wrestle until I am weary! 

And then I stop to breathe. 
I turn and I look at the One beside me. 
He has raging eyes, strong hands, and a beautiful smile.
His countenance shines like the sun 
Leader, Lover, Father, Truth and Wisdom, 
He is all these things and more. 

I look at Him, and suddenly I know perfect peace.
Yes the road is long and winding, and I don’t know what each turn will bring, but when I look at Him, my fears melts away.

It is a sweet thing to trust Him. 

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Rest, my soul. There is grace for the one who chooses to follow Him. 

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