It is easy to love God when you are in a room full of people passionately pursuing Him with you. It is easy to love Him after a big conference. It is easy to love Him when your heart is so full and when His presence is more tangible than the ground you stand on. It is easy when He comes and fuels your zeal, and when He causes your heart to burn with frightening intensity. Yes, I know the highs, and I love the highs.
But He is teaching me to ride the lows as well. He is teaching me to love Him and to reach out to Him in the day to day mundaneness of life. It still isn’t easy. It never is. I struggle so hard to love when I cannot see, to press on when I cannot feel. Life gets so noisy, and I have to fight with all my might to keep my eyes focused and my heart turned towards the One I love so dearly. Sometimes I feel so weak and so incapable that I cry and cry. I cry at my inability to give Him what He deserves. I yearn to give Him so much, but I fall short and it makes me so heartbroken.
Lately, the comforting blanket of His presence has been coming to cover me. It is like refreshing rain to my dry and barren soul. In those short moments, He tells me, “I am here. I am always here. Look at Me, just look at Me.” I cling on to these precious moments for dear life. They are slivers of grace given to strengthen me during the famines of His presence.
I do not understand the purpose of the dark night, but I want to learn to love Him even when I cannot see. I do not understand why during certain seasons, His presence is more real than the air I breathe and why during others, He hides from me. I do not understand it at all. But I am learning to ride the lows. I am learning to trust that He sees the weak reaches of my weak heart. I am learning to trust that just one feeble glance of my eyes is enough to move Him. I am praying that the pursuit of my weak heart will delight Him, and that when I fight for the One I love, He will draw near to me in ways I have only ever imagined.
I want more, and I will not stop pressing in, even in my weakness.