Musings, Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

Morning Musings // In the Trial

When my courage ends, let my heart find strength in Your presence
I’ll walk through the fire with my head lifted high, and my spirit revived in Your story 
I’ll look to the cross as my failure is lost in the light of Your glorious grace 

I remember standing in the Allphones Arena in Sydney three years ago singing these words for the first time, tears streaming down my face. “Let the ruins come to life in the beauty of Your name..” Three years ago I stood there, the most broken I’d ever been, amongst a multitude of other ordinary people just like me, all of us praying for His redeeming grace to make all things new. 

Much has changed since then, but I continue to return to these words over and over again because they remain my heart’s cry through the seasons. I don’t ever remember a time when I was not struggling with one thing or the other. Some seasons the battles are bigger and tougher than others, but it seems there is always a need for something to be healed, or restored, or made new. And I think there will always be, for all of us, on this side of time. But that’s okay. 

Because there is a safe place in the midst of it all, and it is in the presence of the Restorer of All Things. He will prove Himself faithful over and over as He prunes the weeds in our lives and breathes beauty back into the broken places. 

“Let the ruins come to life in the beauty of Your name.. I will love You forever, and forever I’ll sing.” 

I’ll sing my love even in the midst of the fire. And I’ll keep singing my love as I watch the broken places of my life become beautiful again – no, never by my own strength but by His. 

Don’t you see? There is One who fights for us still. We can walk through anything despite our weakness. Anything. Because our hope is not in ourselves but in the One who is greater. 

And at the end of ourselves is where He begins. 

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Consecration, Destiny, Eternity, Love

What Is The Point?

What if destiny isn’t a place I reach in ministry, but the journey towards the fullness of oneness with my Jesus? The fullness of my heart in love, devotion, intimacy and obedience? 

Is there any other way to life? Certainly not. All else is but a shadow to this one singular pursuit. 

My heart strays often to my other lovers. Sometimes they are all I can see, and they become my reality. 

But deep down inside, I long for One above all. How can I not? He is who I was made for, and in Him I come alive the most. 

I know that this life will be one where my “yes” to the Lord will be tested over and over again. There are moments when my love for Jesus feels like a fiery flame that cannot be quenched. At other times, and this happens more than I dare to confess, my love feels so weak. I am overwhelmed by the world and I feel so incapable of holding firm to the resolves that I make during moments of heightened passion. If not for the Divine Grace that holds on to me I would have given up and fallen away a long long time ago. 

Yet, it is worth declaring that through these highs and lows that I swing back and forth from, my heart for Him remains true. My love for Him has always, always been real, even in the moments when I am the weakest. I am not ashamed to say so because there is no lie in my words. 

And so over and over again I will come in humility and sing, even when my heart is so broken and all I can offer is the small hidden part of it that has pledged everlasting love to Him. 

This is the pilgrimage of my heart and the destiny of my life. This journey is one that I will give myself to for the rest my days, no matter how many times I break and fall. I know that one day it will be fulfilled in all entirety when I see – face to face – my Lord shining before me in all Glory, Beauty and Light. 

“All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist.”

“For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.”

‭‭Romans 11:36 // Colossians‬ ‭1:16-17

Jesus is the point of my life.

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Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

The Struggle

“My dear,
we are all made of water. 
it’s okay to rage. sometimes 
it’s okay to rest. to recede.”
// Sanober Khan

I am weary and heavy hearted. Strong waves pull me down underwater and I struggle to breathe. The fight inside of me rages though I beg for mercy, beg for silence. Tears stream down my face as I break, unable to contain the war within. So much pain for such a small body. 

I collapse in a grieving heap at Your feet. The only place I find comfort, the only One I know how to trust. 

“Rockabye baby come and rest
You’ve been tired lately 
Lay your head down

Don’t you think baby I know best?
I’ve been a Father for a long time.” 

Grace! I need grace for this journey. Please. 

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Consecration, Desire, Fear of God, Intimacy, Love, Musings, Pain, Wilderness, Worship

A Price to Pay

I was in a train thinking today – how nothing worth having ever comes easy. 

There are some people you come across – men and women of God who love Jesus dearly and it is so evident. You cannot fake love. Pure love is written all over their faces. It is in the sweet and unique fragrance that the worship of their lives release. It is in fire of their eyes and the weight of their words when they speak of Him. People look at all these things and they marvel at it. But they know not the struggles and battles fought in private. They do not see the countless tears shed. There is a great price to pay to know the nearness of Jesus. His heart is one that burns with an all consuming fire and the one who wants to be near Him must walk through this fire of burning. It is the death of self, the labor of prayer. The surrendering of the heart, the refining of soul, the sacrifice of holiness. The travail mourning and the deep aching hunger for more. 

It is a painful road that few understand and even fewer dare to take. 

Of course one can simply go to church on Sundays and highlight a few verses, read a few books. Anyone can do that, it is not hard. Anyone can love Jesus from afar. It is easy. But it takes real courage to pay the price of burning that authentic face to face intimacy with God requires. This is more than mere obedience or a good Christian show. This is the gut wrenching heart cry of the one who will not settle for anything less. 

This fire I talk of – it is painful, but it is sweet. Difficult as this road is, there is a deep satisfaction in living for something greater than yourself… It is what we were made for and the only thing that will make our dull sorrowful hearts come alive. 

It is this Love that caused the saints of old go to their deathbeds singing and worshipping. Their eyes were lifted to heaven and their hearts were aflame with passion for the Lord they loved more than life itself. Oh how I want it.. How I desire a love for Jesus so great that it changes all I know and shakes the very foundation on which I walk. Is He not worthy of this kind of love? Is He not worthy of all I have to give, and yet still more? 

If the fire leads me to You, I want to walk through it even when it hurts. If it takes the burning for me to be completely one with You, do it Lord. Burn my heart and let it be fully Yours.

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Uncategorized

I Choose You

There was once when I looked in front of me and I saw a crossroad. I looked to God for black and white directions but He kept silent and He told me do not fear, just choose. That shocked me. How dare He entrust to me a choice of such magnitude! He knew how weak and indecisive I was. He knew the way I would constantly sway back and forth in nail biting anxiety. Why then did He entrust me with such a generous command?

Because the thing about God is that He has the ability to see right past all of our flaws and into the very depths of our hearts. He sees the part that has silently vowed love and unconditional obedience to Him.

I understand now that there is complete freedom to make all of life’s big decisions as children of God. Because He is faithful and He will never leave us. Because He sends the rain wherever we end up, and whatever we choose, as long as we continue to abide in Him.

But I also understand now that there is a third road. A hidden road – that few find. One that takes great courage, and even greater sacrifice. But it the only road that leads to life, and the only one worth taking.

All this time, He told me to just choose, but little did I know that He was eagerly waiting for me to choose Him. His pursuit of me is so jealous! How it catches me off guard and woos my heart.

I will choose the road less taken and I will pledge myself again to You Lord. Over anything and anyone else. I have counted the cost, and I walk into this with my eyes wide open, choosing You with my whole undivided heart.

I am Yours. Freely, wholeheartedly and bravely Yours.

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