Musings

Content // finally.  

I am so content. I mean that, I really do. The burdens and aches that I’ve carried and fretted over for the longest time have all but rolled off my shoulders. I love where I am at and I don’t think I’ve ever been more satisfied. The past is behind me, and I care not for peering too much into the future either. And let me tell you, it is the most freeing thing in the world.

The problem I had for the longest time is that I lived for the future. Isn’t that the funny thing about the prophetic sometimes? I lived for every promise God gave me (and believe me, He has given me a lot, more than what I feel I am even able to handle), so much so that I missed everything that was right here in the now. I glanced past the goodness around me and missed out on so much simply because I could not stop myself from yearning for all these things that hadn’t even come to pass.

I had also let the mistakes and the circumstances of my past keep my heart bound up in so much pain. I would lie in bed awake at night, playing these things through in my head, wishing I had done so much differently. Wishing I had known then what I know now because I almost lost myself. Sometimes we only learn the hard way, but still, I have paid a lot of high prices over the last few years – and O how I ache for all that has been stolen from me.

No more. What’s past is past and this is where I will draw the line. What’s coming will also come but this too is where I will draw my line.

Because for the first time in a long long time, things around me (and inside me) are falling into place and I couldn’t be happier.

Right here. Right now. Isn’t that all I have anyway?

I will not apologize for loving my life because I’ve been through hell and back to get to where I am. So please, let me live it.

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Love, Musings

If I Know What Love Is 

“There is nothing more human than to be broken in the pursuit of love only to discover that it isn’t love after all because love is what holds us together.”  

I’ve tasted of love that isn’t love at all, but also a love so whole it fills every broken crack in your heart and makes you forget what it was ever like not to feel safe. Real love, it chases me down, catches me off guard and brings my tired heart back to life. It fills my eyes with twinkling light during the day, and it puts me securely to sleep at night. It makes my soul blossom with courage to hope again in goodness and redemption. 

My God restores every little thing that was ever broken. He shows me what real love looks like: not the fake shadow that comes like a wolf in the night to steal from you // not the fleeting emotional kind that comes in the guise of something desirable // not the kind that holds you captive under a web of lies & deceit // not selfish lust that takes and takes but never gives back // not the kind that doles out empty promises but never comes through // not the slippery sand that leaves you wary and second guessing // not the kind that turns around and tears you apart with no second thought.

But the kind that is fiery and true – the kind that sets you free to dance and be who you were always meant to be. The kind that is firm and strong and dependable – a safe shelter for your heart.

If I know what real love is, it is only because I have seen both sides of the coin. In the beginning, they seem similar (as all good half truths do) but eventually it will all unravel to prove as two worlds completely apart. 

You must choose for yourself what you will settle for in this life. 

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Musings

I Refuse To Be My Emotions

Emotions that are aligned to the truth can be powerful, but emotions that aren’t can entirely blind you – especially if you are a strong feeler like me. They can lead you down an entire road of deception if you allow them to become your steering wheel. My emotions have taken me down roads I wish I had never gone. At the time I felt powerless to turn around – because my emotions colored my entire reality, and I couldn’t comprehend anything else. 

But how amazing the clarity that comes when the fog of your own emotion lifts. 

I don’t think I can ever change the way I am wired – this is who I am. I have never known middle ground – it is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. When I am happy, joy electrifies and explodes my whole being. When I grieve, I shatter. And when I love, I am entirely consumed. These will always be the intensities that course through me every waking day. 

So be it – but let my emotions always be conformed to what is pure and real. Let them never be the master of me, but I, the master of them. And let the gentle whisper of my Father always be my guiding truth, even in the midst of the raging loud storm that is me. 

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Pain, Process, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Nostalgia 

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, wrap my fragile younger self in my arms and say to her, “Everything’s going to be alright. He restores.” God knows how much she needed to hear it. But I can’t do that of course. I can’t tell her how much she really is worth. I can’t tell her that she doesn’t need to fight for love because real love would have fought for her. I can’t tell her that what she needs is to protect and fight for her own heart and dignity instead. I can’t tell her that all she ever needs can be found in the safe and loving arms of a Father. I can’t tell her that she really is beautiful, even when she sees anything but staring back at her in the mirror. I can’t tell her that Love is wiping away her tears each night as she cries herself to sleep, and that Mercy will make it all brand new. I can’t tell her about the way He will turn it all around and make her little heart strong and capable of withstanding anything. I can’t tell her how He will fill her eyes light and help her dare to hope and dream again. I can’t do any of that. 

But I will spend the rest of my life telling it to every other broken young girl I meet. 

Because it’s true. He did it. Every little thing He promised to me, He fulfilled and is still fulfilling. He’s turned it all around and I can’t even recognize any trace of that broken little girl I once was. He’s given me beauty for ashes, strength for brokenness and praise for sorrow. Faithful He has been, and faithful He will be. My faithful, faithful Restorer. He’s the reason I still believe today. He is every stubborn breath and relentless pump of this still-beating heart. He is why I can get back on my two feet no matter what comes to break me in this life — I swear I will not be broken because He holds my every piece.

Don’t lose hope. 

He isn’t nowhere near done with you. 

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Bridal Paradigm, Consecration, Desire, Fear of God, Love

My Jealous Lover 

4 years ago, in the thick of depression, I believed God didn’t love me. I believed that He loved mankind as a whole but me? Not me. Not if He would allow me such pain. I remember crying to an aunty from church and asking her if she believed God loved her. She said yes; with all her heart she did. And I was dumbfounded, I couldn’t understand. 

But today I can say too with all my heart that I believe God loves me. He loves me fiercely, relentlessly, like a wave that crashes over and over again. He doesn’t stop, He fights to the end, burning all that stands in the way. His eyes ablaze with fire – a jealous Lover whose heart is set only on one thing – me. 

How pale these afflictions seem in the light of this glorious wonder. I can withstand anything. 

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Intimacy, Wilderness

Never Run Dry 

When my soul begins to despair within me, I turn to the Author of life and ask Him to fill my being. Lift up your head Isabel. There is One who can calm the seas within you. He hears your every cry and He will be so faithful to carry you. When you are dry and weary, run to Him – He satisfies, He really really does.

//

Your arms enfold me, till I am only

A child of God.

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Hope, Musings, Pain

I Trust You Father

What if? Very rarely do we ever find out what if. All we can do is to keep our heads up and keep on walking. Trusting that every turn, every wrong decision, every mistake, will all eventually come together into something far more beautiful than what we could have ever come up with on our own. 

Why did things have to happen the way they did? Should I have known better? Done it all differently? What if? What if? I have so many unanswered questions that tinge my heart with sadness, but I will learn to make peace with them. This must be what surrender looks like.

God I know You make all things beautiful even when I don’t understand. What’s ahead will be worth it all.

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