piece by piece we
this time we fight
not for anything
or anyone else
but for our damn selves.
– the aftermath // life after death
Tired. If there was one word I could use to describe what this year has been like for me, tired would be it. This has been one of the hardest years for me. Full of heavy days and long nights. Of questions unanswered, faith shattered and a heart broken, over and over again beyond measure. And I am tired. Not in a way that a good night’s sleep can help – but tired, with a weariness that reaches deep down to my very bones.
I read this quote once – Sometimes in times of great sorrow, we lose parts of who we are and we have to find a way to get them back. I have lost myself in countless ways over the past year. How do you bring yourself back when things break you in different ways and you are left a completely different person each time?
But these words came to me suddenly (as words often do) when I was in the back of a taxi one night, “You brew your storms in a teacup and wonder why it spills everywhere. Look up buttercup. There’s still beauty all around you.”
That little voice was right. There still is. I see it – in the eyes of my loved ones more than anywhere else. You know who you are. You guys mean more to me than you will ever understand. Your strength has been there when my own failed and you have carried me in loving arms when I could not walk a step further. Thank you.
And this I also know – God is still with me. I don’t know much else but this I do know – that He is real and that He is still with me.
Of course I enter this year hoping that it will be a better year than the last. Of course. But even if it is not, especially if it is not, let my heart always be found loving and worshipping my Creator, from whom come all the days of my life. He is my beginning and my end – I will never forget that. He will always have my worship. Here I am at the end of my 24th, extremely bruised and battered, but this remains, now and always, the vow of my life.
7.19 am. I stir awake to sheer joy and a song of praise within my heart. I am so thankful to be called Yours! I am so excited about who You are, and my heart is bursting with anticipation for all that You will do. After all this time, You still reign. After all this time, You’re still true.
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His words lead you on
Do not forget His great faithfulness
He’ll finish all He’s begun.
– (back to bed with the silliest grin on my face.)
Maybe too good to be true is a lie we tell ourselves. Maybe undeserving exists only in our heads. Maybe goodness and destiny really can be for us, and the little whispers of our hearts in the late of night resound so much louder in the ears of a perfect Father than we ever thought possible.
– naked hopes & dreams // don’t you dare die out, not just yet. because what if mercy was still for real, and still for you?
(redemption is better than perfection)
What if? Very rarely do we ever find out what if. All we can do is to keep our heads up and keep on walking. Trusting that every turn, every wrong decision, every mistake, will all eventually come together into something far more beautiful than what we could have ever come up with on our own.
Why did things have to happen the way they did? Should I have known better? Done it all differently? What if? What if? I have so many unanswered questions that tinge my heart with sadness, but I will learn to make peace with them. This must be what surrender looks like.
God I know You make all things beautiful even when I don’t understand. What’s ahead will be worth it all.
Those who sow in tears will reap in joyful shouting. The more the tears, the greater the joy that awaits. There are areas in my life where I have ever only known hurt and disappointment. Yet it is exactly in these areas that my Father wants to show His goodness the most. It is hard to believe sometimes but it is true. I know it with all my heart.
I know that the tears we cry before Him fall as water to tender soil. We look now and we see no sign of life – only barrenness and disappointment. But hope again. Again and again and again, even against the fiercest of odds. Never allow the tender soil of your heart to harden. Because hidden underneath is a seed of promise. The tears that fall from our weary eyes water this promise seed. And as we sow with our tears and frustrations, as we plough with our heart hopes and secret prayers – this seed will, one day, grow into the most beautiful tree of life.
The darker the night, the brighter the day. The longer the hope deffered, the more radiant the tree of life. We come with our ashes and He gives us beauty. We come with our broken hearts and He makes all things beautiful. We surrender and He restores.
All the tears I have cried, I will, one day, reap in joyful shouting. And everything that I have fought so hard to believe in – one day I will no longer have to fight anymore – because it will be as plain as day, playing out right in front of my eyes for me to see. Everything that I have ever lost, all the tears I have ever cried, all the brokenness I have ever endured, He will restore back to me with joy and singing.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a promise fulfilled is a tree of life. He will fulfill all His promises and we will dance wild and free under His tree of life.