Destiny, Musings, Process, The Voyage, Wilderness

Musings of a Wandering Pilgrim

Some nights I wonder if I made bed in the right city. There was once a call I heard. I was so sure of it. In the depths of His presence I saw as clear as day. But it was too big, too impossible. Me? I thought. Who am I? I’m nobody. It can’t be. So I asked for a sign. I asked to be shown. I asked to see what I already knew. How I needed it because I was so afraid. I didn’t believe it could be for me. 

I waited and waited. For so long, I waited. But nothing ever happened, so one day I stopped waiting. 

Did I miss out? I don’t know. But all this time, I just did the best I knew how to. I’ve always done my best. And in the waiting, I lived my life. I’ve made many mistakes along the way, more than I dare to confess. But I’ve also built good things. Wonderful things. Are they God-things? Maybe. Maybe not. He’s been with me all the way though, this I know. And most days that’s been enough to keep me going. 

Still, I ponder on all the things that could have turned out differently, had I not asked to be met halfway. Had I not waited. Had I been less afraid. Had I just jumped. Am I a fool? Maybe. Am I too far gone? Did I miss out? I don’t know. Am I lost? Yes most days I still do feel lost. As if I’m running in circles but coming up short every time. The saddest part is that I once saw it all so clearly. But now it just feels like a distant reality. I feel so far from all He once sung over me. Now I’m not sure if there is even a place for me to go back to anymore.

I asked to be led – but here I am today. 

I try not to ask too many questions anymore because having them unanswered is just too confusing. Everyday I just put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. What else can I do? I don’t know what else to do. 

Please don’t leave me behind. 

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Love, Musings, Pain, Words

Once upon a dream

“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. 

I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”

Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.

It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man. 

Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.

But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay. 

… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again. 

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Musings, Words

sweet love // a word, from me to you. 

I’ve held love so precious and tender in my hands.. and I’ve had love robbed from me just as cruelly as a newborn child is ripped from its mother. I’ve tasted of love so sweet only for it to slip through my fingers as I cried helpless. So believe me when I tell you sorrowfully to appreciate the love you have when you have it. If you have love, real love, the kind that makes you feel at home and sends fire coursing through your veins all at the same time, fight to keep it. Fight even if the whole universe tries to keep you from it. Love is always worth it. I sit here and write to you with trembling fingers hoping that one day I get to hold love like that again, and keep it this time. 

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Musings, Trials, Words

The Art of Forgiving Yourself 

we never purposely make mistakes, we just do what we think is best at the time. at least, that is how it is for me – i’ve always just done the best I knew how – yet sometimes only to look back and marvel at what a complete fool i was. 

but we pick ourselves up. & we learn and we move on. 

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Musings, Process, The Voyage

Keep your eyes open. 

Isn’t it crazy? How things change so quickly. A year ago everything was different. Yet those memories etch themselves so vivid in my mind; replaying as clear as the daylight sun. I have this knack of remembering it all – the important bits anyway. Of holding on to memories for far longer than I should too, both the good and bad. 

Touch. Scent. Electric emotion. I can, at will, in any instant, remember it all so real as if it were happening to me all over again. 

A year from now, nothing will be the same either. I don’t know if that excites me or terrifies me. If there is an art of living in the present, I am still learning it. But what I do know is you have to look. Look before it all changes. Before it’s all gone. 

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