Pain, Process

Enough. 

Today, somebody – a father figure – gave me permission to let go. I didn’t know just how much I needed that until I heard it coming from his lips. What a relief it was, after all this time, to finally be allowed to.

The expectations of other people can sometimes be such a cruel thing. So beyond the “shoulds” and the “shouldn’ts”, I’m taking back my own damn life. 

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Musings, Pain, Words

What do I say to you girls — you beautiful girls? You girls who are having the Bad Year — the Bad Year where you cannot remember why you were happy aged 12, and cannot imagine being happy at 21? … That panic and anxiety will lie to you — they are gonzo, malign commentators on the events of your life. Their counsel is wrong. You are as high, wired and badly advised by adrenaline as you would be by cocaine. Panic and anxiety are mad, drugged fools. Do not listen to their grinding-toothed, sweaty bullshit … And the most important thing? To know that you were not born like this. You were not born scared and self-loathing and overwhelmed. Things have been done — which means things can be undone. It is hard work. But you are not scared of hard work, compared with everything else you have dealt with.

Caitlin Moran 

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Pain, Prayer, Trials, Wilderness

Hanging on by a tiny thread

There are times when life corners you in so, and all you can do is fall on your face before God for help, hoping against hope that He will come through for you. That your tears are not in vain and that there is a God who sees and hears. That, whatever it looks like, your redemption will come. 

Please don’t make me wait for too long, I’m so afraid I might let go. 

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Pain, Wilderness

Am I too far gone? 

Before mistakes and slippery slopes and wrong turnings, I was once a girl with a heart full of hope. I want to be her again. Now it is just ache and disappointment. Fear of being let down, yet again. Fear that has closed my heart up and caused me to build so many walls up. Fear that has stolen life from my eyes and love from my heart. 

I feel so far from all I once dreamed of with You. It hurts to even think about it. I’ve fallen and strayed so far. How will I ever go back? Is it even possible? All that You once called me to do, all that You once sung over me… is any of it even true anymore? 

I once saw and knew so clearly. But now I know nothing anymore. It scares me so much. And the saddest part is that I tried my best. I’ve always tried my best. But my best was never enough to stop it all from falling apart. 

Oh Mercy, please rewrite my history. 

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Love, Musings, Pain, Words

Once upon a dream

“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. 

I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”

Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.

It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man. 

Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.

But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay. 

… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again. 

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