Pain, Wilderness

Am I too far gone? 

Before mistakes and slippery slopes and wrong turnings, I was once a girl with a heart full of hope. I want to be her again. Now it is just ache and disappointment. Fear of being let down, yet again. Fear that has closed my heart up and caused me to build so many walls up. Fear that has stolen life from my eyes and love from my heart. 

I feel so far from all I once dreamed of with You. It hurts to even think about it. I’ve fallen and strayed so far. How will I ever go back? Is it even possible? All that You once called me to do, all that You once sung over me… is any of it even true anymore? 

I once saw and knew so clearly. But now I know nothing anymore. It scares me so much. And the saddest part is that I tried my best. I’ve always tried my best. But my best was never enough to stop it all from falling apart. 

Oh Mercy, please rewrite my history. 

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Love, Musings, Pain, Words

Once upon a dream

“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. 

I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”

Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.

It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man. 

Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.

But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay. 

… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again. 

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Pain, Process, Trials

My Prideful Need 

After all these years I am still learning to surrender. To yield all I do not have control over to the One who reigns over all. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but these hands – they hold on so tight. Always clutching to understand. Constantly grappling to make sense, though I can but see so far with these shallow eyes. My finite mind becomes so furious when I cannot comprehend. I throw my fists up in the sky, demanding for some form of explaination – as if He owes me anything at all. But more often than not I am met only with gentle silence. 

Please help me to let go. 

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Hope, Musings, Pain, Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

Happy Birthday

Tired. If there was one word I could use to describe what this year has been like for me, tired would be it. This has been one of the hardest years for me. Full of heavy days and long nights. Of questions unanswered, faith shattered and a heart broken, over and over again beyond measure. And I am tired. Not in a way that a good night’s sleep can help – but tired, with a weariness that reaches deep down to my very bones.

I read this quote once – Sometimes in times of great sorrow, we lose parts of who we are and we have to find a way to get them back. I have lost myself in countless ways over the past year. How do you bring yourself back when things break you in different ways and you are left a completely different person each time? 

But these words came to me suddenly (as words often do) when I was in the back of a taxi one night, “You brew your storms in a teacup and wonder why it spills everywhere. Look up buttercup. There’s still beauty all around you.” 

That little voice was right. There still is. I see it – in the eyes of my loved ones more than anywhere else. You know who you are. You guys mean more to me than you will ever understand. Your strength has been there when my own failed and you have carried me in loving arms when I could not walk a step further. Thank you. 

And this I also know – God is still with me. I don’t know much else but this I do know – that He is real and that He is still with me. 

Of course I enter this year hoping that it will be a better year than the last. Of course. But even if it is not, especially if it is not, let my heart always be found loving and worshipping my Creator, from whom come all the days of my life. He is my beginning and my end – I will never forget that. He will always have my worship. Here I am at the end of my 24th, extremely bruised and battered, but this remains, now and always, the vow of my life. 

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Pain, Process, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Nostalgia 

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, wrap my fragile younger self in my arms and say to her, “Everything’s going to be alright. He restores.” God knows how much she needed to hear it. But I can’t do that of course. I can’t tell her how much she really is worth. I can’t tell her that she doesn’t need to fight for love because real love would have fought for her. I can’t tell her that what she needs is to protect and fight for her own heart and dignity instead. I can’t tell her that all she ever needs can be found in the safe and loving arms of a Father. I can’t tell her that she really is beautiful, even when she sees anything but staring back at her in the mirror. I can’t tell her that Love is wiping away her tears each night as she cries herself to sleep, and that Mercy will make it all brand new. I can’t tell her about the way He will turn it all around and make her little heart strong and capable of withstanding anything. I can’t tell her how He will fill her eyes light and help her dare to hope and dream again. I can’t do any of that. 

But I will spend the rest of my life telling it to every other broken young girl I meet. 

Because it’s true. He did it. Every little thing He promised to me, He fulfilled and is still fulfilling. He’s turned it all around and I can’t even recognize any trace of that broken little girl I once was. He’s given me beauty for ashes, strength for brokenness and praise for sorrow. Faithful He has been, and faithful He will be. My faithful, faithful Restorer. He’s the reason I still believe today. He is every stubborn breath and relentless pump of this still-beating heart. He is why I can get back on my two feet no matter what comes to break me in this life — I swear I will not be broken because He holds my every piece.

Don’t lose hope. 

He isn’t nowhere near done with you. 

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Hope, Musings, Pain

I Trust You Father

What if? Very rarely do we ever find out what if. All we can do is to keep our heads up and keep on walking. Trusting that every turn, every wrong decision, every mistake, will all eventually come together into something far more beautiful than what we could have ever come up with on our own. 

Why did things have to happen the way they did? Should I have known better? Done it all differently? What if? What if? I have so many unanswered questions that tinge my heart with sadness, but I will learn to make peace with them. This must be what surrender looks like.

God I know You make all things beautiful even when I don’t understand. What’s ahead will be worth it all.

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Pain, Process, Purpose, Trials

I Can See It Now 

I wish we didn’t have to learn things  the hard way, but sometimes we do have to. Because sometimes it takes a painful slap in the face to wake up and see the truth. It takes falling down hard to get back up more determined than ever. It takes being dismantled in all the broken places to be put back together more beautiful than ever. 

In His mercy He reached for me, even in the midst of my foolishness. I was so utterly blind in my ways – but no longer. 

And now that I see clearer than I’ve ever seen, I will press on with zeal in my heart and fire in my eyes. 

“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day…” // Genesis‬ ‭50:20‬ ‭

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