Pain, Prayer, Trials, Wilderness

Hanging on by a tiny thread

There are times when life corners you in so, and all you can do is fall on your face before God for help, hoping against hope that He will come through for you. That your tears are not in vain and that there is a God who sees and hears. That, whatever it looks like, your redemption will come. 

Please don’t make me wait for too long, I’m so afraid I might let go. 

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Musings, Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

Morning Musings // In the Trial

When my courage ends, let my heart find strength in Your presence
I’ll walk through the fire with my head lifted high, and my spirit revived in Your story 
I’ll look to the cross as my failure is lost in the light of Your glorious grace 

I remember standing in the Allphones Arena in Sydney three years ago singing these words for the first time, tears streaming down my face. “Let the ruins come to life in the beauty of Your name..” Three years ago I stood there, the most broken I’d ever been, amongst a multitude of other ordinary people just like me, all of us praying for His redeeming grace to make all things new. 

Much has changed since then, but I continue to return to these words over and over again because they remain my heart’s cry through the seasons. I don’t ever remember a time when I was not struggling with one thing or the other. Some seasons the battles are bigger and tougher than others, but it seems there is always a need for something to be healed, or restored, or made new. And I think there will always be, for all of us, on this side of time. But that’s okay. 

Because there is a safe place in the midst of it all, and it is in the presence of the Restorer of All Things. He will prove Himself faithful over and over as He prunes the weeds in our lives and breathes beauty back into the broken places. 

“Let the ruins come to life in the beauty of Your name.. I will love You forever, and forever I’ll sing.” 

I’ll sing my love even in the midst of the fire. And I’ll keep singing my love as I watch the broken places of my life become beautiful again – no, never by my own strength but by His. 

Don’t you see? There is One who fights for us still. We can walk through anything despite our weakness. Anything. Because our hope is not in ourselves but in the One who is greater. 

And at the end of ourselves is where He begins. 

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Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

The Struggle

“My dear,
we are all made of water. 
it’s okay to rage. sometimes 
it’s okay to rest. to recede.”
// Sanober Khan

I am weary and heavy hearted. Strong waves pull me down underwater and I struggle to breathe. The fight inside of me rages though I beg for mercy, beg for silence. Tears stream down my face as I break, unable to contain the war within. So much pain for such a small body. 

I collapse in a grieving heap at Your feet. The only place I find comfort, the only One I know how to trust. 

“Rockabye baby come and rest
You’ve been tired lately 
Lay your head down

Don’t you think baby I know best?
I’ve been a Father for a long time.” 

Grace! I need grace for this journey. Please. 

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Intimacy, Prayer

Sit with You, Stay with You

I think it is important to sit with God, even when I do not know the words to pray. Some days I don’t have very much to say. But I be with Him anyway and there is a soothing peace that covers my soul. 

And often, when I am burdened, I do not like to talk. I know not what to say. What I do is I sit with Him and turn my groaning heart towards Him. I trust that He hears and understands the heaviness I have no words for. 

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Bridal Paradigm, Desire, Longing, Love, Prayer, Worship

Wildfire

When I peer into His heart, I don’t see a tame love. I don’t see a love that is quiet. I see a raging wildfire. His heart… it pulsates with holy desire, consuming all who dare come near. It is fearsome.

When He said love is as strong as death, as unyielding as the grave, I did not understand just how much at first. But oh! How I sought to grasp it! How I have longed with all my heart to understand this love. How I cried.

And He is beginning to answer.

When I see the wildfire heart of Jesus, my own weak one trembles. When my eyes are opened to see this beautiful burning One, I am brought into a crumpled sobbing heap on my knees.

More and more Lord. More and more, I want to see. Will You let the heat of Your heart touch mine? Will You grip me and cause me to burn? Will You allow me to peer into the wonderful mystery of You all the days of my life?

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Prayer, Process, Wilderness

Cry of My Heart

“There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again
I’m awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You’re my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxies dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

I give You my destiny
I’m giving You all of me
I want Your symphony singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I’m giving it back

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You’re my only hope”

If I must be broken, let me be broken at Your feet Jesus.

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