“You’ve changed,” she said.
Pain does that. Time, too.
“Are you proud of it?”
Of course. Of course I am. I’ve fought so hard to grow into every single inch of this new skin. To hold my head up high every single day and carry on.
I miss the days of simple faith. Everything is so much easier when you “just believe”. So much more beautiful.
How I envy those who have not gone through the fires of doubt.
Here I stand now in these fires. They lick and eat away at me from every side. Will I come out unscathed and stronger, or will they burn me away to waste?
Today, somebody – a father figure – gave me permission to let go. I didn’t know just how much I needed that until I heard it coming from his lips. What a relief it was, after all this time, to finally be allowed to.
The expectations of other people can sometimes be such a cruel thing. So beyond the “shoulds” and the “shouldn’ts”, I’m taking back my own damn life.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Don’t give up now, your life has barely just begun. These few short years are but a drop in the bucket of eternity. Our momentary troubles are refining in us real gold – gold of infinite worth that we will only truly see in eternity.
It’s not in vain, none of this is in vain. Yield, surrender, keep trusting, keep going. Find yourself, again and again at the feet of Jesus. It is the only way to live. It is the only true life there is.
One day with unveiled eyes we will see all we have built through the foundations of meekness and trust. We will enter into His presence with our heads held high, absolutely victorious in love. We will, with exceeding joy, receive the great reward of our faith – the delight of Jesus Himself. This is the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. This is where all of this is going.
We must, with diligence, set our eyes on this vision over and over again. Eternity has been written on our hearts for this very reason. To show us where we are going, that we may not lose heart.
There is a reward waiting for the faithful.
Some nights I wonder if I made bed in the right city. There was once a call I heard. I was so sure of it. In the depths of His presence I saw as clear as day. But it was too big, too impossible. Me? I thought. Who am I? I’m nobody. It can’t be. So I asked for a sign. I asked to be shown. I asked to see what I already knew. How I needed it because I was so afraid. I didn’t believe it could be for me.
I waited and waited. For so long, I waited. But nothing ever happened, so one day I stopped waiting.
Did I miss out? I don’t know. But all this time, I just did the best I knew how to. I’ve always done my best. And in the waiting, I lived my life. I’ve made many mistakes along the way, more than I dare to confess. But I’ve also built good things. Wonderful things. Are they God-things? Maybe. Maybe not. He’s been with me all the way though, this I know. And most days that’s been enough to keep me going.
Still, I ponder on all the things that could have turned out differently, had I not asked to be met halfway. Had I not waited. Had I been less afraid. Had I just jumped. Am I a fool? Maybe. Am I too far gone? Did I miss out? I don’t know. Am I lost? Yes most days I still do feel lost. As if I’m running in circles but coming up short every time. The saddest part is that I once saw it all so clearly. But now it just feels like a distant reality. I feel so far from all He once sung over me. Now I’m not sure if there is even a place for me to go back to anymore.
I asked to be led – but here I am today.
I try not to ask too many questions anymore because having them unanswered is just too confusing. Everyday I just put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. What else can I do? I don’t know what else to do.
Please don’t leave me behind.
The days crawl by so slow but one day you wake up and it’s June already. Time oh time, where did you go from me? I fear reaching the end of this year and realizing nothing’s changed at all. I’m tired of running around in circles and coming up short every time.
Please, there must be more than this.