Pain, Prayer, Trials, Wilderness

Hanging on by a tiny thread

There are times when life corners you in so, and all you can do is fall on your face before God for help, hoping against hope that He will come through for you. That your tears are not in vain and that there is a God who sees and hears. That, whatever it looks like, your redemption will come. 

Please don’t make me wait for too long, I’m so afraid I might let go. 

Standard
Pain, Process, Trials

My Prideful Need 

After all these years I am still learning to surrender. To yield all I do not have control over to the One who reigns over all. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but these hands – they hold on so tight. Always clutching to understand. Constantly grappling to make sense, though I can but see so far with these shallow eyes. My finite mind becomes so furious when I cannot comprehend. I throw my fists up in the sky, demanding for some form of explaination – as if He owes me anything at all. But more often than not I am met only with gentle silence. 

Please help me to let go. 

Standard
Musings, Trials, Words

The Art of Forgiving Yourself 

we never purposely make mistakes, we just do what we think is best at the time. at least, that is how it is for me – i’ve always just done the best I knew how – yet sometimes only to look back and marvel at what a complete fool i was. 

but we pick ourselves up. & we learn and we move on. 

Standard
Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

a new beginning

2016, you were strange and hard. Happy in some ways yes, but mostly just really, really tired. I am so relieved to see you go. I will be taking the lessons learnt with me, but with the deepest breath I let go and empty my soul of everything else that was never meant for me to carry. This little heart only has room for so much.. For the longest time it has tried to cope with more than it can bear but now I just want to breathe again. 

2017, I welcome you with pale and trembling arms – hoping against hope that you will, please, be better. 

Standard
Hope, Musings, Pain, Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

Happy Birthday

Tired. If there was one word I could use to describe what this year has been like for me, tired would be it. This has been one of the hardest years for me. Full of heavy days and long nights. Of questions unanswered, faith shattered and a heart broken, over and over again beyond measure. And I am tired. Not in a way that a good night’s sleep can help – but tired, with a weariness that reaches deep down to my very bones.

I read this quote once – Sometimes in times of great sorrow, we lose parts of who we are and we have to find a way to get them back. I have lost myself in countless ways over the past year. How do you bring yourself back when things break you in different ways and you are left a completely different person each time? 

But these words came to me suddenly (as words often do) when I was in the back of a taxi one night, “You brew your storms in a teacup and wonder why it spills everywhere. Look up buttercup. There’s still beauty all around you.” 

That little voice was right. There still is. I see it – in the eyes of my loved ones more than anywhere else. You know who you are. You guys mean more to me than you will ever understand. Your strength has been there when my own failed and you have carried me in loving arms when I could not walk a step further. Thank you. 

And this I also know – God is still with me. I don’t know much else but this I do know – that He is real and that He is still with me. 

Of course I enter this year hoping that it will be a better year than the last. Of course. But even if it is not, especially if it is not, let my heart always be found loving and worshipping my Creator, from whom come all the days of my life. He is my beginning and my end – I will never forget that. He will always have my worship. Here I am at the end of my 24th, extremely bruised and battered, but this remains, now and always, the vow of my life. 

Standard
Pain, Process, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Nostalgia 

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, wrap my fragile younger self in my arms and say to her, “Everything’s going to be alright. He restores.” God knows how much she needed to hear it. But I can’t do that of course. I can’t tell her how much she really is worth. I can’t tell her that she doesn’t need to fight for love because real love would have fought for her. I can’t tell her that what she needs is to protect and fight for her own heart and dignity instead. I can’t tell her that all she ever needs can be found in the safe and loving arms of a Father. I can’t tell her that she really is beautiful, even when she sees anything but staring back at her in the mirror. I can’t tell her that Love is wiping away her tears each night as she cries herself to sleep, and that Mercy will make it all brand new. I can’t tell her about the way He will turn it all around and make her little heart strong and capable of withstanding anything. I can’t tell her how He will fill her eyes light and help her dare to hope and dream again. I can’t do any of that. 

But I will spend the rest of my life telling it to every other broken young girl I meet. 

Because it’s true. He did it. Every little thing He promised to me, He fulfilled and is still fulfilling. He’s turned it all around and I can’t even recognize any trace of that broken little girl I once was. He’s given me beauty for ashes, strength for brokenness and praise for sorrow. Faithful He has been, and faithful He will be. My faithful, faithful Restorer. He’s the reason I still believe today. He is every stubborn breath and relentless pump of this still-beating heart. He is why I can get back on my two feet no matter what comes to break me in this life — I swear I will not be broken because He holds my every piece.

Don’t lose hope. 

He isn’t nowhere near done with you. 

Standard
Pain, Process, Purpose, Trials

I Can See It Now 

I wish we didn’t have to learn things  the hard way, but sometimes we do have to. Because sometimes it takes a painful slap in the face to wake up and see the truth. It takes falling down hard to get back up more determined than ever. It takes being dismantled in all the broken places to be put back together more beautiful than ever. 

In His mercy He reached for me, even in the midst of my foolishness. I was so utterly blind in my ways – but no longer. 

And now that I see clearer than I’ve ever seen, I will press on with zeal in my heart and fire in my eyes. 

“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day…” // Genesis‬ ‭50:20‬ ‭

Standard