goodness, Hope, Pain, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Good good Father? 

You’re a good good Father 

It’s who You are, it’s who You are 

And I’m loved by You

It’s who I am, it’s who I am 

You are perfect in all of Your ways to us. 

What a beautiful song. But as the crowd sang it in church today, I could barely even open my mouth. There was nothing inside me that believed those words. Absolutely nothing. Disappointment has been the theme of my life and it has so clouded my vision and hardened my heart against the goodness of God. Is it even real? Is it even for me? I don’t believe it. 

Mighty and holy yes, but a good Father? No. Everything in my experience has dictated to me otherwise. Pain sears my heart when songs like these are sung during worship because I cannot join the congregation of the faithful to declare what I do not believe. It makes me so sad. Life is so hopeless when you don’t know how to believe this one simple truth. 

Yet I don’t know how to walk away. I keep hoping that someday, somehow, He will come and prove me wrong. That He will show me His goodness in a way that I can finally understand. He has to. Because I don’t know what else to do anymore. 

Will You meet me where I am God? Can you reach me past all my walls? Will You restore and redeem all that has been broken so that I can see Your heart for what it is again? How I need it. How I need it so much.. 

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Consecration, Process, Trials, Wilderness

I do believe, please help my unbelief.

I miss the days of simple faith. Everything is so much easier when you “just believe”. So much more beautiful. 

How I envy those who have not gone through the fires of doubt. 

Here I stand now in these fires. They lick and eat away at me from every side. Will I come out unscathed and stronger, or will they burn me away to waste? 

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Pain, Prayer, Trials, Wilderness

Hanging on by a tiny thread

There are times when life corners you in so, and all you can do is fall on your face before God for help, hoping against hope that He will come through for you. That your tears are not in vain and that there is a God who sees and hears. That, whatever it looks like, your redemption will come. 

Please don’t make me wait for too long, I’m so afraid I might let go. 

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Pain, Process, Trials

My Prideful Need 

After all these years I am still learning to surrender. To yield all I do not have control over to the One who reigns over all. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but these hands – they hold on so tight. Always clutching to understand. Constantly grappling to make sense, though I can but see so far with these shallow eyes. My finite mind becomes so furious when I cannot comprehend. I throw my fists up in the sky, demanding for some form of explaination – as if He owes me anything at all. But more often than not I am met only with gentle silence. 

Please help me to let go. 

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Musings, Trials, Words

The Art of Forgiving Yourself 

we never purposely make mistakes, we just do what we think is best at the time. at least, that is how it is for me – i’ve always just done the best I knew how – yet sometimes only to look back and marvel at what a complete fool i was. 

but we pick ourselves up. & we learn and we move on. 

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Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

a new beginning

2016, you were strange and hard. Happy in some ways yes, but mostly just really, really tired. I am so relieved to see you go. I will be taking the lessons learnt with me, but with the deepest breath I let go and empty my soul of everything else that was never meant for me to carry. This little heart only has room for so much.. For the longest time it has tried to cope with more than it can bear but now I just want to breathe again. 

2017, I welcome you with pale and trembling arms – hoping against hope that you will, please, be better. 

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Hope, Musings, Pain, Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

Happy Birthday

Tired. If there was one word I could use to describe what this year has been like for me, tired would be it. This has been one of the hardest years for me. Full of heavy days and long nights. Of questions unanswered, faith shattered and a heart broken, over and over again beyond measure. And I am tired. Not in a way that a good night’s sleep can help – but tired, with a weariness that reaches deep down to my very bones.

I read this quote once – Sometimes in times of great sorrow, we lose parts of who we are and we have to find a way to get them back. I have lost myself in countless ways over the past year. How do you bring yourself back when things break you in different ways and you are left a completely different person each time? 

But these words came to me suddenly (as words often do) when I was in the back of a taxi one night, “You brew your storms in a teacup and wonder why it spills everywhere. Look up buttercup. There’s still beauty all around you.” 

That little voice was right. There still is. I see it – in the eyes of my loved ones more than anywhere else. You know who you are. You guys mean more to me than you will ever understand. Your strength has been there when my own failed and you have carried me in loving arms when I could not walk a step further. Thank you. 

And this I also know – God is still with me. I don’t know much else but this I do know – that He is real and that He is still with me. 

Of course I enter this year hoping that it will be a better year than the last. Of course. But even if it is not, especially if it is not, let my heart always be found loving and worshipping my Creator, from whom come all the days of my life. He is my beginning and my end – I will never forget that. He will always have my worship. Here I am at the end of my 24th, extremely bruised and battered, but this remains, now and always, the vow of my life. 

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