Musings, Pain, Words

What do I say to you girls — you beautiful girls? You girls who are having the Bad Year — the Bad Year where you cannot remember why you were happy aged 12, and cannot imagine being happy at 21? … That panic and anxiety will lie to you — they are gonzo, malign commentators on the events of your life. Their counsel is wrong. You are as high, wired and badly advised by adrenaline as you would be by cocaine. Panic and anxiety are mad, drugged fools. Do not listen to their grinding-toothed, sweaty bullshit … And the most important thing? To know that you were not born like this. You were not born scared and self-loathing and overwhelmed. Things have been done — which means things can be undone. It is hard work. But you are not scared of hard work, compared with everything else you have dealt with.

Caitlin Moran 

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Consecration, Destiny, Grace, Longing, Musings, Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

Safe, Or Right?

When it comes to process, I’ll be the first one to confess how much I hate it. But I think only when He tests your heart can you truly see what’s on the inside. There are things that you discover in the waiting and in the stretching that you wouldn’t have grapsed otherwise.

Over the past few months the Lord has been testing my heart and I am realizing that what is comfortable and easy isn’t always right. All around me I am presented with options that, if I decide to choose, would allow me to be set for life. I see these options, and I realize that there is an easy life available to me if I want it. It is entirely within my reach and it will be a life crafted by my own hands.

But I don’t want that! I don’t want a life of my own making. I want a life crafted by Him.

There is a such tempting to choose the safe, to choose the comfortable. And although that would look like a life of abundance on the outside, I know with all my heart that it will be a lesser life. Although it would look like a life of prosperity to everyone else, it is, in reality, utter poverty because it will be settling for less than what He has dreamed of in His heart for me. I don’t think my heart would be able to bear that kind of holy dissatisfaction. Certainly it is a wretched way to live, even though all my needs will be taken care of on the outside. I can’t!

Yet I am so aware right now that if I go His way and forsake my own, it would look utterly ridiculous on the outside. It would go against every norm and tradition, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to turn back. But how can I tell Him that I surrender if I am unwilling to let go of my own need for control and allow Him to take the wheel?

So I take a deep breath and I willingly choose to step into the water, because that is where I see Him standing and calling. Will I sink? Will I swim? I don’t know. And that frightens me. So much!
But better to step out of my boat into the waves where He is, than to hide inside luxury and comfort all the days of my life where He is not. A risk it may be, but please let me never exalt my need for comfort over Him!

I know this – there is nothing outside the will of God that I want, no matter how comfortable or lovely looking. I want the fullness of a life lived inside His will, even if it tears me from my safe little cocoon. Even if it makes no sense at all.

What if is a question I never want to have to ponder. I embrace You Lord and all Your beautiful ways, even if it makes me look like a fool.

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