Love

Dignity 

It took me several heartbreaks to finally understand that fighting for love and fighting to be loved were two profoundly different things. Fighting for love is always good, but there is absolutely nothing heroic about the latter. It is not romantic to convince somebody to love you. 

I beseech you women, if you ever find yourself pleading for a man to choose you, if you ever find yourself trying to change who you are in order to fit what he wanted, to be prettier, quieter… lesser – turn around and leave. Leave and never look back. 

“What are you, fire refusing to be named? I will tell you what you are not.

You are not an afterthought. You are not a magic lamp whose only purpose is to fulfill the desires of another. You are not an oracle or a muse that can be used, exhausted, tapped dry & left convulsing on a mountaintop. You are not a lonely night or a place to hide secrets when no one else is watching. You are not a bodiless voice that whispers comfort to the demons of desperate men, not a vessel from which they can thieve their vitality..

& my God, you are certainly not a second choice.” // Amanda Torroni 

Please know when to stay, and when to walk away. Sometimes the line is so thin, and sometimes it takes more than a little while, but you must know it. 

– lessons learnt a very hard way.

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Process, The Voyage

So onwards we go. 

Sometimes we think we want to go one way but life takes us another. Our choices, they make or break everything and for the longest time I agonized over this, never daring to even move because I was so afraid. 

Am I where I’m supposed to be now? I still don’t know. But He whispers to me, “I am with you.” And with that I will learn to be content as I put one foot in front of the other. 

Maybe it is not about where I will end up as it is me becoming His in the process. 

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Process, Trials

Higher Waves 

I wrote this a year ago. This battle has not changed. It is one that rages fiercer than ever before. I thought it would have been over by now, but I am still fighting. I feel a tiredness that is bone deep. My doubt and fear – so real. Help me God, I’m afraid I might let go. 

“The Lord is kind to give us startling moments of intense prophetic clarity during the heights of encounter. It is of utter importance to cling onto these moments because just as quickly as they come, they can, just as quickly, be clouded by the torrent of our emotions the moment we allow even a hint of doubt to enter into our hearts. It is true that we must choose our battles wisely, and perhaps one of the most important battles we will ever have to fight is the one that rages to smother our God-given words and dreams. I cannot even begin to tell you how many hopes and desires I have let flower, only to then wither and choke under the weeds of doubt, uncertainty, fear and discouragement. Was He lying when He showed me these things? Was it false hope? Is He a God who changes His mind? No. It is I who is not constant. It is my frailty, my weak grasp, my torrential emotions … my humanity.
But enough. Steady my heart and strengthen my feeble knees. He is not man that He should lie. What He says with piercing clarity in the glory remains the same in the aching tension of longings yet unfulfilled. And so I will fight to cling. I will fight stay in peace. I will fight for my heart to remain in ruthless trust.

As surely as He has spoken, His promises shall come to pass. Be it unto me.

Be it unto me.”

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Uncategorized

I Choose You

There was once when I looked in front of me and I saw a crossroad. I looked to God for black and white directions but He kept silent and He told me do not fear, just choose. That shocked me. How dare He entrust to me a choice of such magnitude! He knew how weak and indecisive I was. He knew the way I would constantly sway back and forth in nail biting anxiety. Why then did He entrust me with such a generous command?

Because the thing about God is that He has the ability to see right past all of our flaws and into the very depths of our hearts. He sees the part that has silently vowed love and unconditional obedience to Him.

I understand now that there is complete freedom to make all of life’s big decisions as children of God. Because He is faithful and He will never leave us. Because He sends the rain wherever we end up, and whatever we choose, as long as we continue to abide in Him.

But I also understand now that there is a third road. A hidden road – that few find. One that takes great courage, and even greater sacrifice. But it the only road that leads to life, and the only one worth taking.

All this time, He told me to just choose, but little did I know that He was eagerly waiting for me to choose Him. His pursuit of me is so jealous! How it catches me off guard and woos my heart.

I will choose the road less taken and I will pledge myself again to You Lord. Over anything and anyone else. I have counted the cost, and I walk into this with my eyes wide open, choosing You with my whole undivided heart.

I am Yours. Freely, wholeheartedly and bravely Yours.

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