Destiny, Musings, Process, The Voyage, Wilderness

Musings of a Wandering Pilgrim

Some nights I wonder if I made bed in the right city. There was once a call I heard. I was so sure of it. In the depths of His presence I saw as clear as day. But it was too big, too impossible. Me? I thought. Who am I? I’m nobody. It can’t be. So I asked for a sign. I asked to be shown. I asked to see what I already knew. How I needed it because I was so afraid. I didn’t believe it could be for me. 

I waited and waited. For so long, I waited. But nothing ever happened, so one day I stopped waiting. 

Did I miss out? I don’t know. But all this time, I just did the best I knew how to. I’ve always done my best. And in the waiting, I lived my life. I’ve made many mistakes along the way, more than I dare to confess. But I’ve also built good things. Wonderful things. Are they God-things? Maybe. Maybe not. He’s been with me all the way though, this I know. And most days that’s been enough to keep me going. 

Still, I ponder on all the things that could have turned out differently, had I not asked to be met halfway. Had I not waited. Had I been less afraid. Had I just jumped. Am I a fool? Maybe. Am I too far gone? Did I miss out? I don’t know. Am I lost? Yes most days I still do feel lost. As if I’m running in circles but coming up short every time. The saddest part is that I once saw it all so clearly. But now it just feels like a distant reality. I feel so far from all He once sung over me. Now I’m not sure if there is even a place for me to go back to anymore.

I asked to be led – but here I am today. 

I try not to ask too many questions anymore because having them unanswered is just too confusing. Everyday I just put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. What else can I do? I don’t know what else to do. 

Please don’t leave me behind. 

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Pain, Trials, Wilderness, Words

Broken pieces // the shattered remains of what could have been

I’m standing here. I’m standing here and I’m looking around me and all I see are broken pieces. I kneel down and try to pick them up – but all I do is cut myself on these ragged glass edges. Tell me what to do. Pleasejust tell me what to do. 

I can’t bear the sight of all this. 

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Love, Musings

Perception vs Reality

The thing about truth is that it is never subjective. Reality does not hinge on our perceptions of it. If one’s perception and another differs, then who is right? They can’t both be right, because that would nullify each other out.

If I say I am a man, if I believe with all my heart I am a man, does that make me a man? If I were to hate the female body I was born in, if I refused to accept it, will that change the fact that I am a woman, and I will always be a woman? So what is the truth? Does it change based on what I choose to believe?

Perception is not always reality. The truth does not change based on our ability to accept it. And we know that anything other than the truth is a lie, a falsehood, a complete delusion – no matter how much we want to believe in it.

And applauding somebody trapped in a prison of lies is not love.

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Consecration, Desire, Intimacy, Longing, Prayer

Of Desires

There is a place of oneness and intimacy where the desires of His heart and the desires of our heart are one and the same. The heart surrendered to Jesus need not be afraid of its desires. It is true that our hearts can be deceitful, but it is also true that in His presence, falsehood will flee. He is quick to remove the desires that are not from Him as well as strengthen those that ARE of Him. He is not a God of confusion, and He is not someone who plays games with our hearts. If you cannot get something off your heart, and it only gets louder and louder in His presence, it is probably His voice. False desires are quick to fade, but desires that are good and of the Lord will not be so easily shaken. Time and time again these desires will resound in your heart, and you need not be afraid of them. Know that it is a prophetic invitation from Him : “Ask what you desire and it shall be done for you, because it too is what I desire.”

We can be sure that if He places a desire in our hearts, He will surely cause it to come to pass – hinging on one condition. Ask.

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