Destiny, Musings, Process, The Voyage, Wilderness

Musings of a Wandering Pilgrim

Some nights I wonder if I made bed in the right city. There was once a call I heard. I was so sure of it. In the depths of His presence I saw as clear as day. But it was too big, too impossible. Me? I thought. Who am I? I’m nobody. It can’t be. So I asked for a sign. I asked to be shown. I asked to see what I already knew. How I needed it because I was so afraid. I didn’t believe it could be for me. 

I waited and waited. For so long, I waited. But nothing ever happened, so one day I stopped waiting. 

Did I miss out? I don’t know. But all this time, I just did the best I knew how to. I’ve always done my best. And in the waiting, I lived my life. I’ve made many mistakes along the way, more than I dare to confess. But I’ve also built good things. Wonderful things. Are they God-things? Maybe. Maybe not. He’s been with me all the way though, this I know. And most days that’s been enough to keep me going. 

Still, I ponder on all the things that could have turned out differently, had I not asked to be met halfway. Had I not waited. Had I been less afraid. Had I just jumped. Am I a fool? Maybe. Am I too far gone? Did I miss out? I don’t know. Am I lost? Yes most days I still do feel lost. As if I’m running in circles but coming up short every time. The saddest part is that I once saw it all so clearly. But now it just feels like a distant reality. I feel so far from all He once sung over me. Now I’m not sure if there is even a place for me to go back to anymore.

I asked to be led – but here I am today. 

I try not to ask too many questions anymore because having them unanswered is just too confusing. Everyday I just put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. What else can I do? I don’t know what else to do. 

Please don’t leave me behind. 

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Destiny, Hope, Musings, restoration

Oh to dream again even though disappointment is all you’ve ever known. 

Maybe too good to be true is a lie we tell ourselves. Maybe undeserving exists only in our heads. Maybe goodness and destiny really can be for us, and the little whispers of our hearts in the late of night resound so much louder in the ears of a perfect Father than we ever thought possible. 

– naked hopes & dreams // don’t you dare die out, not just yet. because what if mercy was still for real, and still for you? 

(redemption is better than perfection)
 

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Musings, Process, Trials, Wilderness, Worship

You Taught My Feet to Dance Upon Disappointment

I think one of the greatest gifts we can ever give to God on this side of time is our abandoned trust. God knows no lack, and He has no need, but delight overwhelms His heart when His children dare to trust Him at His word. When we are able to do that, we are saying to God, “I take You at what You say because I love You.”

We know that a promise fulfilled is a tree of life. But is it possible to eat of that tree, even before a promise is fulfilled? I believe so! I believe there is a place of trust that He desires for us to come to – where we can dance with praise even before we see His promises come to pass.

We don’t stake our hope on the promise itself, but on the One who gives it to us. He is faithful and He will never lie to us. He is a good Father and He doesn’t play games with our hearts. Because of this we can dare to take Him at His every word.

In the waiting, there is hope, and there is joy. When we are waiting for a promise that is so sure, that is so unshakable, our waiting becomes pregnant with joyful expectation.

A dear friend told me yesterday, “When we embrace the mystery, we give up our right to look for clues in the natural.”

We don’t need more signs. We need a greater revelation of the goodness of our Father.

When we know His heart for us, we can sing even in the midst of sickness, heartache and disappointment. We can dance upon barren land and praise the One who, as surely as the sun will rise, will make all things beautiful.

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