Pain, Wilderness

Am I too far gone? 

Before mistakes and slippery slopes and wrong turnings, I was once a girl with a heart full of hope. I want to be her again. Now it is just ache and disappointment. Fear of being let down, yet again. Fear that has closed my heart up and caused me to build so many walls up. Fear that has stolen life from my eyes and love from my heart. 

I feel so far from all I once dreamed of with You. It hurts to even think about it. I’ve fallen and strayed so far. How will I ever go back? Is it even possible? All that You once called me to do, all that You once sung over me… is any of it even true anymore? 

I once saw and knew so clearly. But now I know nothing anymore. It scares me so much. And the saddest part is that I tried my best. I’ve always tried my best. But my best was never enough to stop it all from falling apart. 

Oh Mercy, please rewrite my history. 

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goodness, Hope, Worship

Little scribblings of hope // joy flowers inside my heart 

7.19 am. I stir awake to sheer joy and a song of praise within my heart. I am so thankful to be called Yours! I am so excited about who You are, and my heart is bursting with anticipation for all that You will do. After all this time, You still reign. After all this time, You’re still true. 

Sing praise my soul

Find strength in joy 

Let His words lead you on

Do not forget His great faithfulness 

He’ll finish all He’s begun.  

(back to bed with the silliest grin on my face.) 

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Process, Trials

Higher Waves 

I wrote this a year ago. This battle has not changed. It is one that rages fiercer than ever before. I thought it would have been over by now, but I am still fighting. I feel a tiredness that is bone deep. My doubt and fear – so real. Help me God, I’m afraid I might let go. 

“The Lord is kind to give us startling moments of intense prophetic clarity during the heights of encounter. It is of utter importance to cling onto these moments because just as quickly as they come, they can, just as quickly, be clouded by the torrent of our emotions the moment we allow even a hint of doubt to enter into our hearts. It is true that we must choose our battles wisely, and perhaps one of the most important battles we will ever have to fight is the one that rages to smother our God-given words and dreams. I cannot even begin to tell you how many hopes and desires I have let flower, only to then wither and choke under the weeds of doubt, uncertainty, fear and discouragement. Was He lying when He showed me these things? Was it false hope? Is He a God who changes His mind? No. It is I who is not constant. It is my frailty, my weak grasp, my torrential emotions … my humanity.
But enough. Steady my heart and strengthen my feeble knees. He is not man that He should lie. What He says with piercing clarity in the glory remains the same in the aching tension of longings yet unfulfilled. And so I will fight to cling. I will fight stay in peace. I will fight for my heart to remain in ruthless trust.

As surely as He has spoken, His promises shall come to pass. Be it unto me.

Be it unto me.”

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Destiny, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

An Important Battle

The Lord is kind to give us startling moments of intense prophetic clarity during the heights of encounter. It is of utter importance to cling onto these moments because just as quickly as they come, they can, just as quickly, be clouded by the torrent of our emotions the moment we allow even a hint of doubt to enter into our hearts. It is true that we must choose our battles wisely, and perhaps one of the most important battles we will ever have to fight is the one that rages to smother our God-given words and dreams. I cannot even begin to tell you how many hopes and desires I have let wither and choke under the weeds of doubt, uncertainty, fear and discouragement. Was He lying when He showed me these things? Was it false hope? Is He a God who changes His mind? No. It is I who is not constant. It is my frailty, my weak grasp, my torrential emotions …. my humanity.

But enough. Steady my heart and strengthen my feeble knees. He is not man that He should lie. What He says with piercing clarity in the glory remains the same in the aching tension of longings yet unfulfilled. And so I will fight to cling. I will fight stay in peace. I will fight for my heart to remain in ruthless trust.

As surely as He has spoken, His promises shall come to pass. Be it unto me.

Be it on to me.

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Destiny, Longing, Prayer, Purpose, Wilderness

Breathe Darling, Breathe

Today I’m holding on to this. I love the familiar, I love the knowing, and stepping out of my little boat into the unknown can be so frightening. But better to brave the waves with Him than to spend my entire life hiding in the comfortable. What if? What if? I never want to be haunted by those two words. Let me be brave enough to pursue the dreams He has placed inside my heart. Let me trust the heart of a good, good Father who will take care of me as I go about His will.

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