Your eyes carry a depth
my words could never hope to paint
in this lifetime.
I wrote that nearly two years ago. It’s been a long time since I’ve written like that.
I want to feel again. I want poetry again.
Isn’t it crazy? How things change so quickly. A year ago everything was different. Yet those memories etch themselves so vivid in my mind; replaying as clear as the daylight sun. I have this knack of remembering it all – the important bits anyway. Of holding on to memories for far longer than I should too, both the good and bad.
Touch. Scent. Electric emotion. I can, at will, in any instant, remember it all so real as if it were happening to me all over again.
A year from now, nothing will be the same either. I don’t know if that excites me or terrifies me. If there is an art of living in the present, I am still learning it. But what I do know is you have to look. Look before it all changes. Before it’s all gone.
Tired. If there was one word I could use to describe what this year has been like for me, tired would be it. This has been one of the hardest years for me. Full of heavy days and long nights. Of questions unanswered, faith shattered and a heart broken, over and over again beyond measure. And I am tired. Not in a way that a good night’s sleep can help – but tired, with a weariness that reaches deep down to my very bones.
I read this quote once – Sometimes in times of great sorrow, we lose parts of who we are and we have to find a way to get them back. I have lost myself in countless ways over the past year. How do you bring yourself back when things break you in different ways and you are left a completely different person each time?
But these words came to me suddenly (as words often do) when I was in the back of a taxi one night, “You brew your storms in a teacup and wonder why it spills everywhere. Look up buttercup. There’s still beauty all around you.”
That little voice was right. There still is. I see it – in the eyes of my loved ones more than anywhere else. You know who you are. You guys mean more to me than you will ever understand. Your strength has been there when my own failed and you have carried me in loving arms when I could not walk a step further. Thank you.
And this I also know – God is still with me. I don’t know much else but this I do know – that He is real and that He is still with me.
Of course I enter this year hoping that it will be a better year than the last. Of course. But even if it is not, especially if it is not, let my heart always be found loving and worshipping my Creator, from whom come all the days of my life. He is my beginning and my end – I will never forget that. He will always have my worship. Here I am at the end of my 24th, extremely bruised and battered, but this remains, now and always, the vow of my life.
I scribbled this in my journal a while back. It was true then, and it stands true now.
Strange how small everything else seems in the light of eternity. Whenever I find myself drowning in the cares of life, it is always because I have lost sight of eternity. It is always because I have allowed the thoughts of this world precedence in my heart. Scriptures talk a lot about lifting your eyes, and I think only lately have I begun to grasp what that really means for myself.
The Lord has been allowing me to go through a period of uncertainty and unknowing. It hasn’t been easy on my little heart. There were decisions that needed making, crossroads that needed to be taken, questions of the heart that needed answers and overwhelming desires that longed to be met. My soul was so tangled up and messy on the inside. I worried, I paced, I threw up my hands in frustration. “Lord what am I supposed to do? Just tell me what to do!” He said, “Praise Me.” To be honest, I was actually expecting a lengthy and profound revelation from heaven (you know, like an awesome prophetic dream download) but that was all He gave me. Two words. Praise Me. What! I brushed His words away. Surely it was more than that. Surely it couldn’t be so simple. I continued fretting and asking but over the next few days, He remained so silent it frightened me.
So tonight I caved in and set an entire night apart determined to worship amidst my confusion and turmoil. Tonight, I lifted my eyes and sung my way into emotional breakthrough. I ugly cried my way into a whole new level of abandoned trust. I saw eternity, and suddenly everything I was anxious about seemed embarrassingly insignificant. I saw His goodness and calmness covered my aching heart. I saw His faithfulness and peace enveloped my soul. I was able to trust again. I was able to breathe again. I was able to let go.
Oh how He rearranges me when I am in His presence. Nothing’s changed around me but everything’s changed inside of me.
O my soul
Fix your eyes on His face.