goodness, Hope, Pain, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Good good Father? 

You’re a good good Father 

It’s who You are, it’s who You are 

And I’m loved by You

It’s who I am, it’s who I am 

You are perfect in all of Your ways to us. 

What a beautiful song. But as the crowd sang it in church today, I could barely even open my mouth. There was nothing inside me that believed those words. Absolutely nothing. Disappointment has been the theme of my life and it has so clouded my vision and hardened my heart against the goodness of God. Is it even real? Is it even for me? I don’t believe it. 

Mighty and holy yes, but a good Father? No. Everything in my experience has dictated to me otherwise. Pain sears my heart when songs like these are sung during worship because I cannot join the congregation of the faithful to declare what I do not believe. It makes me so sad. Life is so hopeless when you don’t know how to believe this one simple truth. 

Yet I don’t know how to walk away. I keep hoping that someday, somehow, He will come and prove me wrong. That He will show me His goodness in a way that I can finally understand. He has to. Because I don’t know what else to do anymore. 

Will You meet me where I am God? Can you reach me past all my walls? Will You restore and redeem all that has been broken so that I can see Your heart for what it is again? How I need it. How I need it so much.. 

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Love, Musings, Truth

My greatest confidence. 

“For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.” //‭‭ Isaiah‬ ‭57:15‬ ‭

This is He who loves me. 

What peace floods my soul, knowing that there is one like Him who holds the very fabric my life together in power and love. I know who He is – and I know what I mean to Him. It is with this profound truth that I can walk through anything with my head held up high. 

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Musings

I Refuse To Be My Emotions

Emotions that are aligned to the truth can be powerful, but emotions that aren’t can entirely blind you – especially if you are a strong feeler like me. They can lead you down an entire road of deception if you allow them to become your steering wheel. My emotions have taken me down roads I wish I had never gone. At the time I felt powerless to turn around – because my emotions colored my entire reality, and I couldn’t comprehend anything else. 

But how amazing the clarity that comes when the fog of your own emotion lifts. 

I don’t think I can ever change the way I am wired – this is who I am. I have never known middle ground – it is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. When I am happy, joy electrifies and explodes my whole being. When I grieve, I shatter. And when I love, I am entirely consumed. These will always be the intensities that course through me every waking day. 

So be it – but let my emotions always be conformed to what is pure and real. Let them never be the master of me, but I, the master of them. And let the gentle whisper of my Father always be my guiding truth, even in the midst of the raging loud storm that is me. 

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Destiny, goodness, Worship

Perfect Father

Reveal Your heart through the stories of our lives. Grand Master Weaver, weave through us tales that tell of the goodness of You. Let Your heartbeat be known in every area & let Your fingerprints be seen all over. We will stand in awe and our hearts will burst forth in worship when it hits us, over and over again, that You are exactly who You say You are. 

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Consecration, Desire, Love, Worship

What It Means To Be A Person Of One Thing

There is a war that rages in my heart. It is a war of love and affections. I try to fight it on my own but I cannot. I try to build walls, try to keep my heart pure and clean from distraction – gazed at only One. But on my own I am not strong enough. I am pulled from all sides and my attention is demanded by so many.

But this I know, in the presence of great Love, all other weaker loves fade away. What had seemed to burn so bright simply dims away. How can a flickering candle compare to the beautiful shining sun?

When the rushing tidal wave of His love crashes over me, every single fort I had frantically tried to build to keep other lovers out cease to serve their purpose. They don’t even need to be there anymore, because my gaze is so turned away from every other lover and I am utterly consumed by this single One most beautiful.

False love occupies space in our hearts. It demands. It takes and takes. But great Love frees us and fills us. The fierceness I had tried to conjure up all on my own is suddenly taken over by a stillness. A still knowing that I need not fight, I need only stay. The fight in me is put to rest by what my Father so willingly pours out. What rest for my weary heart! What peace..

Everything melts away when I look at Him. Above every other love, I will choose Him.

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Musings, Process, Trials, Wilderness, Worship

You Taught My Feet to Dance Upon Disappointment

I think one of the greatest gifts we can ever give to God on this side of time is our abandoned trust. God knows no lack, and He has no need, but delight overwhelms His heart when His children dare to trust Him at His word. When we are able to do that, we are saying to God, “I take You at what You say because I love You.”

We know that a promise fulfilled is a tree of life. But is it possible to eat of that tree, even before a promise is fulfilled? I believe so! I believe there is a place of trust that He desires for us to come to – where we can dance with praise even before we see His promises come to pass.

We don’t stake our hope on the promise itself, but on the One who gives it to us. He is faithful and He will never lie to us. He is a good Father and He doesn’t play games with our hearts. Because of this we can dare to take Him at His every word.

In the waiting, there is hope, and there is joy. When we are waiting for a promise that is so sure, that is so unshakable, our waiting becomes pregnant with joyful expectation.

A dear friend told me yesterday, “When we embrace the mystery, we give up our right to look for clues in the natural.”

We don’t need more signs. We need a greater revelation of the goodness of our Father.

When we know His heart for us, we can sing even in the midst of sickness, heartache and disappointment. We can dance upon barren land and praise the One who, as surely as the sun will rise, will make all things beautiful.

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Desire, Eschatology, Eternity, Forerunner Message, Longing, Worship

Worth the Wait

I’ve never been good at waiting. When I know something, I want it. When I see treasure of great worth and beauty (even more so, treasure I know is promised for me!) everything in me yearns to the point of tears. There have been times when I feel like I will break from longing. 

The heartache of waiting is real. But so is the beauty of hope. These two emotions mingle together into a strange unsettling sigh. 

But He is worth it. He is worth the heartache of waiting. He is worth the tears and the longing. Every twist of my heart brings me closer to a life lived beside the One I love. 

“…not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland.. they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭11:13-14, 16‬ ‭

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