Longing, Musings, Process

The musings of early June 

The days crawl by so slow but one day you wake up and it’s June already. Time oh time, where did you go from me? I fear reaching the end of this year and realizing nothing’s changed at all. I’m tired of running around in circles and coming up short every time. 

Please, there must be more than this. 

Pain, Wilderness

Am I too far gone? 

Before mistakes and slippery slopes and wrong turnings, I was once a girl with a heart full of hope. I want to be her again. Now it is just ache and disappointment. Fear of being let down, yet again. Fear that has closed my heart up and caused me to build so many walls up. Fear that has stolen life from my eyes and love from my heart. 

I feel so far from all I once dreamed of with You. It hurts to even think about it. I’ve fallen and strayed so far. How will I ever go back? Is it even possible? All that You once called me to do, all that You once sung over me… is any of it even true anymore? 

I once saw and knew so clearly. But now I know nothing anymore. It scares me so much. And the saddest part is that I tried my best. I’ve always tried my best. But my best was never enough to stop it all from falling apart. 

Oh Mercy, please rewrite my history. 

Consecration, Destiny, Grace, Longing, Musings, Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

Safe, Or Right?

When it comes to process, I’ll be the first one to confess how much I hate it. But I think only when He tests your heart can you truly see what’s on the inside. There are things that you discover in the waiting and in the stretching that you wouldn’t have grapsed otherwise.

Over the past few months the Lord has been testing my heart and I am realizing that what is comfortable and easy isn’t always right. All around me I am presented with options that, if I decide to choose, would allow me to be set for life. I see these options, and I realize that there is an easy life available to me if I want it. It is entirely within my reach and it will be a life crafted by my own hands.

But I don’t want that! I don’t want a life of my own making. I want a life crafted by Him.

There is a such tempting to choose the safe, to choose the comfortable. And although that would look like a life of abundance on the outside, I know with all my heart that it will be a lesser life. Although it would look like a life of prosperity to everyone else, it is, in reality, utter poverty because it will be settling for less than what He has dreamed of in His heart for me. I don’t think my heart would be able to bear that kind of holy dissatisfaction. Certainly it is a wretched way to live, even though all my needs will be taken care of on the outside. I can’t!

Yet I am so aware right now that if I go His way and forsake my own, it would look utterly ridiculous on the outside. It would go against every norm and tradition, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to turn back. But how can I tell Him that I surrender if I am unwilling to let go of my own need for control and allow Him to take the wheel?

So I take a deep breath and I willingly choose to step into the water, because that is where I see Him standing and calling. Will I sink? Will I swim? I don’t know. And that frightens me. So much!
But better to step out of my boat into the waves where He is, than to hide inside luxury and comfort all the days of my life where He is not. A risk it may be, but please let me never exalt my need for comfort over Him!

I know this – there is nothing outside the will of God that I want, no matter how comfortable or lovely looking. I want the fullness of a life lived inside His will, even if it tears me from my safe little cocoon. Even if it makes no sense at all.

What if is a question I never want to have to ponder. I embrace You Lord and all Your beautiful ways, even if it makes me look like a fool.

Fear of God, Intimacy, Musings

Equal Treasures

Let the fear of God guide me and the love of God keep me. Both are equal treasures, neither to be taken lightly or forsaken for the other.

The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. (Psalm 29:14 ESV)

One cannot exist without the other. Deep intimacy and friendship with The Lord is reserved for those who honor and revere Him, because the weight of His secrets are too glorious to be taken lightly. Fear and reverence are needed to safeguard deep love.

At the end of the day, He is God, and we are still man. He invites us into friendship, provided this one term and condition remains.

Fear of God, Intimacy, Longing, Musings

I Dare to Call Him Father

Sometimes, I struggle to understand a God who is both Intimate Love and Holy Fear at the same time. My mind is so limited, my capacity for understanding is so small. There are times when I am so overwhelmed by holy reverence that I feel I am unable to come close to Him. He is truly the glorious One on the Throne, and it makes me tremble because I am but dust. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed by the fear of God, I lose sight of His love. I struggle to put two and two together. But He has shown me (and continues to show me) that though His wrath is real, it is not for me! His righteous fury and hatred of sin is frightening, but it is not for me! It is only when I lose sight of the work of Jesus on that cross that I lose sight of my right to come as close as I want to Him.

I was once far but now He has brought me near. Now I can boldly enter into the presence of the Holy One, and find a dear Father’s heart. What was in the Garden is now mine. 

How silly it is of me to stand far off when He has made a way for me to be near. How silly it is of me to try and enter a room I am already in. How silly it is for me to strive for something He has already given me. The nearness of God is for me. The tenderness of God is for me. My Father’s heart is for me. 

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (‭Galatians‬ ‭5‬:‭1‬ ESV)

I am not a slave. I am a child. His wrath is real but it is no longer for me. I refuse to submit to the heartbreaking yoke of slavery and religion. Boldly, I come.  

Destiny, Eschatology, Eternity, Fear of God, Intimacy

The Fear of God

In my early years as a Christian, God was kind enough to reveal Himself to me as Papa, as Best Friend. However, because that was the only thing I understood about Him, I quickly fell into the hyper-grace camp. I simply did not understand how the Daddy I knew and loved so well should be someone I feared too.

He was quick to correct that.

I remember the first time He revealed Himself as the God of Glory to me. I was so frightened! The awesome holiness of the Lord filled the room in such a fearful way that I literally crawled under a chair to hide from Him. I wanted to run, but there was nowhere to run. He was everywhere. I felt like I was going to die in terror.

I understand now that He was restoring to me a correct and balanced view of Himself. So often we fashion Him into an image that we are comfortable with. That is a very grave error. We must see Him as He is, not as we want Him to be. We cannot pick the parts of Him we like, and ignore the parts that we are uncomfortable with.

God is Papa, but He is also Judge. He is Love, but He is also Holy. He is Lamb, but He is also Lion. He is Kind, but He is also full of righteous wrath. I do not pretend to understand the mystery of God, I have barely scratched the surface. But this I know – holy love and holy fear go hand in hand. Intimacy has been restored to the Church, and it is high time that fear and reverence be restored too.

This is a good read written by Dr. Michael Brown –