piece by piece we
this time we fight
not for anything
or anyone else
but for our damn selves.
– the aftermath // life after death
I’ve held love so precious and tender in my hands.. and I’ve had love robbed from me just as cruelly as a newborn child is ripped from its mother. I’ve tasted of love so sweet only for it to slip through my fingers as I cried helpless. So believe me when I tell you sorrowfully to appreciate the love you have when you have it. If you have love, real love, the kind that makes you feel at home and sends fire coursing through your veins all at the same time, fight to keep it. Fight even if the whole universe tries to keep you from it. Love is always worth it. I sit here and write to you with trembling fingers hoping that one day I get to hold love like that again, and keep it this time.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, wrap my fragile younger self in my arms and say to her, “Everything’s going to be alright. He restores.” God knows how much she needed to hear it. But I can’t do that of course. I can’t tell her how much she really is worth. I can’t tell her that she doesn’t need to fight for love because real love would have fought for her. I can’t tell her that what she needs is to protect and fight for her own heart and dignity instead. I can’t tell her that all she ever needs can be found in the safe and loving arms of a Father. I can’t tell her that she really is beautiful, even when she sees anything but staring back at her in the mirror. I can’t tell her that Love is wiping away her tears each night as she cries herself to sleep, and that Mercy will make it all brand new. I can’t tell her about the way He will turn it all around and make her little heart strong and capable of withstanding anything. I can’t tell her how He will fill her eyes light and help her dare to hope and dream again. I can’t do any of that.
But I will spend the rest of my life telling it to every other broken young girl I meet.
Because it’s true. He did it. Every little thing He promised to me, He fulfilled and is still fulfilling. He’s turned it all around and I can’t even recognize any trace of that broken little girl I once was. He’s given me beauty for ashes, strength for brokenness and praise for sorrow. Faithful He has been, and faithful He will be. My faithful, faithful Restorer. He’s the reason I still believe today. He is every stubborn breath and relentless pump of this still-beating heart. He is why I can get back on my two feet no matter what comes to break me in this life — I swear I will not be broken because He holds my every piece.
Don’t lose hope.
He isn’t nowhere near done with you.
I am sorry Lord. I am so sorry for every stubborn pump of this rebellious heart. How I wish it were simpler. Maybe I would have gotten to where I needed to be by now if not for the hysterical unreliable mess that is me.
But the road has been long, and the night, endless. The faint whispers of Your promise, all but drowned out in the wild, wild wind. It is hard for me to admit this, but somewhere along the way, I think I gave up. The extent of my own weakness shocks me. I thought I was stronger, I thought I was stronger.
Make me a child again. Teach me simple trust again.
I don’t want to fight anymore.
I once asked for mercy for this journey. I never knew just how much I would need it.
we are all made of water.
it’s okay to rage. sometimes
it’s okay to rest. to recede.”
// Sanober Khan
I am weary and heavy hearted. Strong waves pull me down underwater and I struggle to breathe. The fight inside of me rages though I beg for mercy, beg for silence. Tears stream down my face as I break, unable to contain the war within. So much pain for such a small body.
I collapse in a grieving heap at Your feet. The only place I find comfort, the only One I know how to trust.
“Rockabye baby come and rest
You’ve been tired lately
Lay your head down
Don’t you think baby I know best?
I’ve been a Father for a long time.”
Grace! I need grace for this journey. Please.
There is a war that rages in my heart. It is a war of love and affections. I try to fight it on my own but I cannot. I try to build walls, try to keep my heart pure and clean from distraction – gazed at only One. But on my own I am not strong enough. I am pulled from all sides and my attention is demanded by so many.
But this I know, in the presence of great Love, all other weaker loves fade away. What had seemed to burn so bright simply dims away. How can a flickering candle compare to the beautiful shining sun?
When the rushing tidal wave of His love crashes over me, every single fort I had frantically tried to build to keep other lovers out cease to serve their purpose. They don’t even need to be there anymore, because my gaze is so turned away from every other lover and I am utterly consumed by this single One most beautiful.
False love occupies space in our hearts. It demands. It takes and takes. But great Love frees us and fills us. The fierceness I had tried to conjure up all on my own is suddenly taken over by a stillness. A still knowing that I need not fight, I need only stay. The fight in me is put to rest by what my Father so willingly pours out. What rest for my weary heart! What peace..
Everything melts away when I look at Him. Above every other love, I will choose Him.