Intimacy, Love

A thousand ways of I love you

I fall in love with you a thousand ways every single day. I love the way your eyes sparkle with mischief, and I love the way they soften with tenderness when they look at me. I love your strong arms at night when they hold me to sleep. I love the calm and determined way you tell me, “I’m here, I’m always here” when tears are pouring down my face. I love how you silence my roaring thoughts. I love the way you treat your mama, it gives me a glimpse of how you will treat me when the years finally show on my face. I love your presence, your simple quiet presence. I love how you see good in everything, in everything and in me. I love the way you fall asleep, bundled up, your chest, rising, falling – so peaceful and perfect and unaware. I love your broad shoulders, how they never seem to carry the weight of the world (they make me believe I could be as weightless too). I love when you’re tired and grumpy, I love when you’re fresh out the shower, hair puffy and in the most endearing mess. I love the tender side you don’t show to anyone else but me. I love the way your eyes crinkle at the sides when you laugh at something silly I did. I’m always silly when I’m with you – you do that to me. You make me the lightest, happiest version of myself.

And that’s what love is isn’t it? You taught me love is simple and pure. It is happy and kind. It is days of laughter, and it is days of the mundane, my hands always intertwined with yours. It breathes life back into the darkest corners of the broken human heart. Aren’t you happy that we found it? That we found us? I’m so happy.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ll say it to you a thousand times over until my words become your reality, just as yours have become mine.

Grace, Prayer, Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

This is about faith.

When it’s new it’s all exciting isn’t it? But as the years go by and as our hurts pile up, our hearts harden against God. Staying in love is hard when you are full of disappointment and disillusionment.

I for one am still on a journey of rediscovering what it means to stay faithful, even after all these years. To allow my heart to soften and to trust again.

A bruised reed You said You will not break, so please be patient with me God.

goodness, Hope, Pain, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Good good Father? 

You’re a good good Father 

It’s who You are, it’s who You are 

And I’m loved by You

It’s who I am, it’s who I am 

You are perfect in all of Your ways to us. 

What a beautiful song. But as the crowd sang it in church today, I could barely even open my mouth. There was nothing inside me that believed those words. Absolutely nothing. Disappointment has been the theme of my life and it has so clouded my vision and hardened my heart against the goodness of God. Is it even real? Is it even for me? I don’t believe it. 

Mighty and holy yes, but a good Father? No. Everything in my experience has dictated to me otherwise. Pain sears my heart when songs like these are sung during worship because I cannot join the congregation of the faithful to declare what I do not believe. It makes me so sad. Life is so hopeless when you don’t know how to believe this one simple truth. 

Yet I don’t know how to walk away. I keep hoping that someday, somehow, He will come and prove me wrong. That He will show me His goodness in a way that I can finally understand. He has to. Because I don’t know what else to do anymore. 

Will You meet me where I am God? Can you reach me past all my walls? Will You restore and redeem all that has been broken so that I can see Your heart for what it is again? How I need it. How I need it so much.. 

Consecration, Process, Trials, Wilderness

I do believe, please help my unbelief.

I miss the days of simple faith. Everything is so much easier when you “just believe”. So much more beautiful. 

How I envy those who have not gone through the fires of doubt. 

Here I stand now in these fires. They lick and eat away at me from every side. Will I come out unscathed and stronger, or will they burn me away to waste?