Things that used to matter so much fade away as I settle into newness of life. Into the arms of you, my newfound love.
“Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt that the sun doth move
Doubt truth be a liar
But never doubt I love”
You’re a good good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am, it’s who I am
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us.
What a beautiful song. But as the crowd sang it in church today, I could barely even open my mouth. There was nothing inside me that believed those words. Absolutely nothing. Disappointment has been the theme of my life and it has so clouded my vision and hardened my heart against the goodness of God. Is it even real? Is it even for me? I don’t believe it.
Mighty and holy yes, but a good Father? No. Everything in my experience has dictated to me otherwise. Pain sears my heart when songs like these are sung during worship because I cannot join the congregation of the faithful to declare what I do not believe. It makes me so sad. Life is so hopeless when you don’t know how to believe this one simple truth.
Yet I don’t know how to walk away. I keep hoping that someday, somehow, He will come and prove me wrong. That He will show me His goodness in a way that I can finally understand. He has to. Because I don’t know what else to do anymore.
Will You meet me where I am God? Can you reach me past all my walls? Will You restore and redeem all that has been broken so that I can see Your heart for what it is again? How I need it. How I need it so much..
I miss the days of simple faith. Everything is so much easier when you “just believe”. So much more beautiful.
How I envy those who have not gone through the fires of doubt.
Here I stand now in these fires. They lick and eat away at me from every side. Will I come out unscathed and stronger, or will they burn me away to waste?
I can’t seem to find my way back home
The same path took me somewhere I didn’t know
Is this the part where I give up and die?
For they either had me rid of or denied
For when I shout I start to mumble
All these words stuck in my mouth
I see help arrive but I can’t do a thing
And with the heat I start to tremble and the air’s lost in my lungs
While I can’t seem to break a single sweat
Is this where I wanna be, is this where I wanna sleep
Being lost in isolation and defeat
Do I have nowhere else to go, or is there somewhere I don’t know of
Would you take me away from this please?
Faces changing, everything’s not right
How could I have let this chance slip by
Well it’s that day that comes again, and we see nothing in the rain
And my head’s in the clouds the whole night
This ain’t the end my mother said
For life is too short as it is
But I bear in mind that we are all that we need to be, to be complete