Longing, Love, Words

Fool

The prospect of love reduces me into a manic fool. But how can I not be one, when it is the greatest desire, the biggest longing of my godforsaken heart.

How desperate my clutch becomes, how embarrassing.

But love is my desire, my greatest longing and I can’t help but to become a fool for it.

– written months ago, when I first met him.

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Love, restoration

For the first time, what’s past is past. 

Things that used to matter so much fade away as I settle into newness of life. Into the arms of you, my newfound love. 

“Doubt thou the stars are fire

Doubt that the sun doth move

Doubt truth be a liar 

But never doubt I love” 

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goodness, Hope, Pain, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Good good Father? 

You’re a good good Father 

It’s who You are, it’s who You are 

And I’m loved by You

It’s who I am, it’s who I am 

You are perfect in all of Your ways to us. 

What a beautiful song. But as the crowd sang it in church today, I could barely even open my mouth. There was nothing inside me that believed those words. Absolutely nothing. Disappointment has been the theme of my life and it has so clouded my vision and hardened my heart against the goodness of God. Is it even real? Is it even for me? I don’t believe it. 

Mighty and holy yes, but a good Father? No. Everything in my experience has dictated to me otherwise. Pain sears my heart when songs like these are sung during worship because I cannot join the congregation of the faithful to declare what I do not believe. It makes me so sad. Life is so hopeless when you don’t know how to believe this one simple truth. 

Yet I don’t know how to walk away. I keep hoping that someday, somehow, He will come and prove me wrong. That He will show me His goodness in a way that I can finally understand. He has to. Because I don’t know what else to do anymore. 

Will You meet me where I am God? Can you reach me past all my walls? Will You restore and redeem all that has been broken so that I can see Your heart for what it is again? How I need it. How I need it so much.. 

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Consecration, Process, Trials, Wilderness

I do believe, please help my unbelief.

I miss the days of simple faith. Everything is so much easier when you “just believe”. So much more beautiful. 

How I envy those who have not gone through the fires of doubt. 

Here I stand now in these fires. They lick and eat away at me from every side. Will I come out unscathed and stronger, or will they burn me away to waste? 

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Pain

Lost // Gentle Bones

I can’t seem to find my way back home

The same path took me somewhere I didn’t know

Is this the part where I give up and die?

For they either had me rid of or denied

For when I shout I start to mumble 

All these words stuck in my mouth

I see help arrive but I can’t do a thing

And with the heat I start to tremble and the air’s lost in my lungs

While I can’t seem to break a single sweat

Is this where I wanna be, is this where I wanna sleep

Being lost in isolation and defeat

Do I have nowhere else to go, or is there somewhere I don’t know of

Would you take me away from this please?

Faces changing, everything’s not right

How could I have let this chance slip by

Well it’s that day that comes again, and we see nothing in the rain

And my head’s in the clouds the whole night

This ain’t the end my mother said

For life is too short as it is

But I bear in mind that we are all that we need to be, to be complete

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