Love, Musings, Pain, Words

Once upon a dream

“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. 

I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”

Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.

It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man. 

Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.

But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay. 

… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again. 

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Consecration, Desire, Fear of God, Intimacy, Love, Musings, Pain, Wilderness, Worship

A Price to Pay

I was in a train thinking today – how nothing worth having ever comes easy. 

There are some people you come across – men and women of God who love Jesus dearly and it is so evident. You cannot fake love. Pure love is written all over their faces. It is in the sweet and unique fragrance that the worship of their lives release. It is in fire of their eyes and the weight of their words when they speak of Him. People look at all these things and they marvel at it. But they know not the struggles and battles fought in private. They do not see the countless tears shed. There is a great price to pay to know the nearness of Jesus. His heart is one that burns with an all consuming fire and the one who wants to be near Him must walk through this fire of burning. It is the death of self, the labor of prayer. The surrendering of the heart, the refining of soul, the sacrifice of holiness. The travail mourning and the deep aching hunger for more. 

It is a painful road that few understand and even fewer dare to take. 

Of course one can simply go to church on Sundays and highlight a few verses, read a few books. Anyone can do that, it is not hard. Anyone can love Jesus from afar. It is easy. But it takes real courage to pay the price of burning that authentic face to face intimacy with God requires. This is more than mere obedience or a good Christian show. This is the gut wrenching heart cry of the one who will not settle for anything less. 

This fire I talk of – it is painful, but it is sweet. Difficult as this road is, there is a deep satisfaction in living for something greater than yourself… It is what we were made for and the only thing that will make our dull sorrowful hearts come alive. 

It is this Love that caused the saints of old go to their deathbeds singing and worshipping. Their eyes were lifted to heaven and their hearts were aflame with passion for the Lord they loved more than life itself. Oh how I want it.. How I desire a love for Jesus so great that it changes all I know and shakes the very foundation on which I walk. Is He not worthy of this kind of love? Is He not worthy of all I have to give, and yet still more? 

If the fire leads me to You, I want to walk through it even when it hurts. If it takes the burning for me to be completely one with You, do it Lord. Burn my heart and let it be fully Yours.

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Eternity, Grace, Intimacy, Longing, Love, Pain, Process, Trials, Wilderness, Worship

Broken Love

Why life? Why all this clutter and noise and tension? Why not zoom straight to heaven and be in unhindered intimacy with Jesus? Why is all this necessary? 

So we can turn our eyes up to Him and love Him even in the midst of all of it. To offer up to Him the sweet offering of a love that is broken and pure. To choose Him, over and over again, in the midst of everything else. 

“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:17‬ ‭

I know one day I will love You fully with no hindrance. But all my days here on this side of eternity, let me love You, even in my weak flesh. Your grace will cover and see my broken love as beautiful. 

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Fear of God, Intimacy

Safeguard

The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. (‭Psalm‬ ‭25‬:‭14‬ ESV)

Intimacy with God must always be safeguarded by the fear of the Lord. After all He is God and we are but dust. Yet, He invites us into a divine romance. What a beautiful mystery!

But because the nature of His love is so good, so extravagant, so lavish .. there is a risk of fallen man abusing it. Familiarity breeds contempt, and we can become so familiar with God that we start to treat Him like one of our own. But He will not be treated with such disregard. 

The fear of the Lord acknowledges that He is higher. He calls us near to Himself, but we must never tread His Presence lightly. To the one who understands this, He will entrust the deep and secret things of His heart. He loves all, yes, but know that the special friendship of God is resevered only for those who revere Him in His holiness. Anything other than that is false intimacy – a vain imagination of our own making. 

We want to know His heart, not love Him from afar. But first, we must fear Him. Yes, He calls us near, but we must come with honor and trembling.

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Consecration, Desire, Intimacy, Longing, Prayer

Of Desires

There is a place of oneness and intimacy where the desires of His heart and the desires of our heart are one and the same. The heart surrendered to Jesus need not be afraid of its desires. It is true that our hearts can be deceitful, but it is also true that in His presence, falsehood will flee. He is quick to remove the desires that are not from Him as well as strengthen those that ARE of Him. He is not a God of confusion, and He is not someone who plays games with our hearts. If you cannot get something off your heart, and it only gets louder and louder in His presence, it is probably His voice. False desires are quick to fade, but desires that are good and of the Lord will not be so easily shaken. Time and time again these desires will resound in your heart, and you need not be afraid of them. Know that it is a prophetic invitation from Him : “Ask what you desire and it shall be done for you, because it too is what I desire.”

We can be sure that if He places a desire in our hearts, He will surely cause it to come to pass – hinging on one condition. Ask.

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Intimacy, Longing, Love, Musings

Of Freedom, Love and Pursuit

A person who feels safe is bound to show you their best. The heart that knows it is loved by present company will blossom beautifully. Because it feels safe, there will not arise any urgency to strive or prove anything. Instead there comes a great freedom to just be. I know this to be true for me – I am the bravest and the most free when I feel loved and safe. But I am so prone to hiding when my heart is wary and unsure. Isn’t it strange how the human heart works? Yet, far be it from us for the condition of our hearts to depend on the risings and fallings of men. It is a shaky road to walk on because even the best and most loving of men can cause hurt sometimes. Nobody is completely constant or safe all the time, even towards those they love. That is the err of human behavior – it comes inevitably as part and parcel of fallen nature. Should we then push everybody away? How then will we cultivate intimacy – the one thing we need most from one another?

Maybe there is an answer. I think, when one abides and is constantly enveloped by the warmth of Father’s arms, there results a great sigh of relief from within – a beautiful freedom to just be because one knows they are already completely accepted; yes, even in the company of those who are not yet safe for the heart. The one who walks in the presence of Divine Love walks in freedom, because their heart is covered by God – irregardless of present company. It is an amazing thing to be free – free to pursue intimacy, free to pursue love – even with imperfect man. (Of course, there is wisdom in knowing which relationships are meant to be pursued with nearness, and which are better off attended to at a distance; but that can be pondered upon another day.) When my heart is being pursued and protected, it is easier for me to pursue the hearts of those who are meant for me to love. I am not as scared of rejection and hurt if I already feel safe. Only when I am loved can I love well.

I want to love well. I want to be pursued, and I want to pursue, because if all of life comes down to love, I want to love well.

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Intimacy, Love, Musings, Process

History

“I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like, but I’ve heard the tender whisper of Love in the dead of night.”

There’s something about having a history with God. It’s so precious. There is a nearness and dearness that grows in richness as the years pass by. The thing about intimacy with God is that no one else can obtain it for you. It is a priceless treasure that is cultivated over the years of journeying with Him through the highs and lows. 

He is always surprising me and I am always discovering new things about Him, but there is a growing familiarity to His tender voice. How I love His Presence. Even though He is so vast and I’ve barely scratched the surface when it comes to knowing Him, I can say with confidence, “This is the One I love, and this is the One who loves me.” 

He has become my home.

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