Musings, Trials, Words

The Art of Forgiving Yourself 

we never purposely make mistakes, we just do what we think is best at the time. at least, that is how it is for me – i’ve always just done the best I knew how – yet sometimes only to look back and marvel at what a complete fool i was. 

but we pick ourselves up. & we learn and we move on. 

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Musings, Process

Seasons 

It’s been almost a year since I moved here. A year of growing and learning, falling hard, picking myself back up and growing again. A year of breaking and healing, and breaking and healing again. A year of doing life with the most amazing community I’ve ever known (you know who you are, I love you). A year of learning (as usual, always the hard way) that the world out there can be a harsh place – and that things aren’t always as they seem – but also that good can come out of the ugliest situations. That in the midst of it all I can always find a place of rest and refreshing in the comfort of His presence. And that there remains no true life outside of it.

I look back now and I don’t recognize the girl I was a year ago. I’m so glad I came. It’s been difficult, but in many ways, so good. 

Sometimes I wonder how long my season here will be. Have I overstayed my time? Or is there still more to learn? Where is home?  

It doesn’t matter though. I will simply grow where I am planted. And I will ready my heart for whatever there is to come. I will incline my ear faithfully to my Father and trust in His perfect leadership over my life. 

Is He not the one who makes all things come together in His time? He is. 

So I rest. 

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Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

The Struggle

“My dear,
we are all made of water. 
it’s okay to rage. sometimes 
it’s okay to rest. to recede.”
// Sanober Khan

I am weary and heavy hearted. Strong waves pull me down underwater and I struggle to breathe. The fight inside of me rages though I beg for mercy, beg for silence. Tears stream down my face as I break, unable to contain the war within. So much pain for such a small body. 

I collapse in a grieving heap at Your feet. The only place I find comfort, the only One I know how to trust. 

“Rockabye baby come and rest
You’ve been tired lately 
Lay your head down

Don’t you think baby I know best?
I’ve been a Father for a long time.” 

Grace! I need grace for this journey. Please. 

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Musings, Process

Good Shepherd Of My Soul, Take My Hand and Lead Me On

Sometimes I think we need to give ourselves permission to go through the journey. Sometimes A doesn’t equal right away to B. It just doesn’t. Oh, if only it were so simple. But life isn’t simple. It’s messy, especially when the frail and tangled up human heart comes into the picture.

I wish we could always jump from A to B right away. From questions to answers. From brokenness to wholeness. From prophetic word, to promise fulfilled. But it doesn’t always happen like that. Most of the times there are all these little journeys in between – and we have to give ourselves permission to feel, and to wrestle, and to fall – all before we arrive at B.

God doesn’t condemn us. He is in the process. He is in the wrestling. The wrong decisions, the detours. He is big enough to handle it. It’s not as if He didn’t see it coming from the start. He’s not gonna fall off His throne.

There is more than enough grace for the journey. My prayer is not to be perfect enough to earn my way into the promise land. It is not to put my life on hold, or to play it safe. My prayer is to walk close with Jesus through it all, and that He would always lead me to exactly where I need to be – yes, despite me.

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Musings, Process, Words

Live

There is a treasure in every season but you have to open up your eyes to see it. For the longest time I had just been floating – utterly paralyzed this strange limbo of aching and waiting. My eyes kept looking forward, which I guess is not a bad thing in itself, but in doing so I had let everything else that was around me slip by. I lived so much for the future that I forgot the present. 

But two days ago during lunch with a dear friend, it dawned on me then what a beautiful life I have right now. This season I am in is such a gift from God. And I am happy, I really am.  

All these incredible promises spoken over my life and my heart… but in the process of waiting for them to come to pass, I had fallen into such mourning and declared my present as barren. Isn’t that mighty foolish? Because I look around me and all I see is goodness. 

I don’t want to wait anymore. Let what come may, but I don’t want to put my life on hold anymore. 

I want to live.  

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Intimacy, Love, Musings, Process

History

“I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like, but I’ve heard the tender whisper of Love in the dead of night.”

There’s something about having a history with God. It’s so precious. There is a nearness and dearness that grows in richness as the years pass by. The thing about intimacy with God is that no one else can obtain it for you. It is a priceless treasure that is cultivated over the years of journeying with Him through the highs and lows. 

He is always surprising me and I am always discovering new things about Him, but there is a growing familiarity to His tender voice. How I love His Presence. Even though He is so vast and I’ve barely scratched the surface when it comes to knowing Him, I can say with confidence, “This is the One I love, and this is the One who loves me.” 

He has become my home.

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