Love, Musings, Pain, Words

Once upon a dream

“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. 

I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”

Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.

It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man. 

Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.

But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay. 

… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again. 

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goodness, Hope, Longing, restoration, The Voyage

Tree Of Life

Those who sow in tears will reap in joyful shouting. The more the tears, the greater the joy that awaits. There are areas in my life where I have ever only known hurt and disappointment. Yet it is exactly in these areas that my Father wants to show His goodness the most. It is hard to believe sometimes but it is true. I know it with all my heart.  

I know that the tears we cry before Him fall as water to tender soil. We look now and we see no sign of life – only barrenness and disappointment. But hope again. Again and again and again, even against the fiercest of odds. Never allow the tender soil of your heart to harden. Because hidden underneath is a seed of promise. The tears that fall from our weary eyes water this promise seed. And as we sow with our tears and frustrations, as we plough with our heart hopes and secret prayers – this seed will, one day, grow into the most beautiful tree of life. 

The darker the night, the brighter the day. The longer the hope deffered, the more radiant the tree of life. We come with our ashes and He gives us beauty. We come with our broken hearts and He makes all things beautiful. We surrender and He restores. 

All the tears I have cried, I will, one day, reap in joyful shouting. And everything that I have fought so hard to believe in – one day I will no longer have to fight anymore – because it will be as plain as day, playing out right in front of my eyes for me to see. Everything that I have ever lost, all the tears I have ever cried, all the brokenness I have ever endured, He will restore back to me with joy and singing. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a promise fulfilled is a tree of life. He will fulfill all His promises and we will dance wild and free under His tree of life. 

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