Pain, Wilderness

Am I too far gone? 

Before mistakes and slippery slopes and wrong turnings, I was once a girl with a heart full of hope. I want to be her again. Now it is just ache and disappointment. Fear of being let down, yet again. Fear that has closed my heart up and caused me to build so many walls up. Fear that has stolen life from my eyes and love from my heart. 

I feel so far from all I once dreamed of with You. It hurts to even think about it. I’ve fallen and strayed so far. How will I ever go back? Is it even possible? All that You once called me to do, all that You once sung over me… is any of it even true anymore? 

I once saw and knew so clearly. But now I know nothing anymore. It scares me so much. And the saddest part is that I tried my best. I’ve always tried my best. But my best was never enough to stop it all from falling apart. 

Oh Mercy, please rewrite my history. 

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Destiny, Hope, Musings, restoration

Oh to dream again even though disappointment is all you’ve ever known. 

Maybe too good to be true is a lie we tell ourselves. Maybe undeserving exists only in our heads. Maybe goodness and destiny really can be for us, and the little whispers of our hearts in the late of night resound so much louder in the ears of a perfect Father than we ever thought possible. 

– naked hopes & dreams // don’t you dare die out, not just yet. because what if mercy was still for real, and still for you? 

(redemption is better than perfection)
 

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Love, Musings

If I Know What Love Is 

“There is nothing more human than to be broken in the pursuit of love only to discover that it isn’t love after all because love is what holds us together.”  

I’ve tasted of love that isn’t love at all, but also a love so whole it fills every broken crack in your heart and makes you forget what it was ever like not to feel safe. Real love, it chases me down, catches me off guard and brings my tired heart back to life. It fills my eyes with twinkling light during the day, and it puts me securely to sleep at night. It makes my soul blossom with courage to hope again in goodness and redemption. 

My God restores every little thing that was ever broken. He shows me what real love looks like: not the fake shadow that comes like a wolf in the night to steal from you // not the fleeting emotional kind that comes in the guise of something desirable // not the kind that holds you captive under a web of lies & deceit // not selfish lust that takes and takes but never gives back // not the kind that doles out empty promises but never comes through // not the slippery sand that leaves you wary and second guessing // not the kind that turns around and tears you apart with no second thought.

But the kind that is fiery and true – the kind that sets you free to dance and be who you were always meant to be. The kind that is firm and strong and dependable – a safe shelter for your heart.

If I know what real love is, it is only because I have seen both sides of the coin. In the beginning, they seem similar (as all good half truths do) but eventually it will all unravel to prove as two worlds completely apart. 

You must choose for yourself what you will settle for in this life. 

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Pain, Process, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Nostalgia 

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, wrap my fragile younger self in my arms and say to her, “Everything’s going to be alright. He restores.” God knows how much she needed to hear it. But I can’t do that of course. I can’t tell her how much she really is worth. I can’t tell her that she doesn’t need to fight for love because real love would have fought for her. I can’t tell her that what she needs is to protect and fight for her own heart and dignity instead. I can’t tell her that all she ever needs can be found in the safe and loving arms of a Father. I can’t tell her that she really is beautiful, even when she sees anything but staring back at her in the mirror. I can’t tell her that Love is wiping away her tears each night as she cries herself to sleep, and that Mercy will make it all brand new. I can’t tell her about the way He will turn it all around and make her little heart strong and capable of withstanding anything. I can’t tell her how He will fill her eyes light and help her dare to hope and dream again. I can’t do any of that. 

But I will spend the rest of my life telling it to every other broken young girl I meet. 

Because it’s true. He did it. Every little thing He promised to me, He fulfilled and is still fulfilling. He’s turned it all around and I can’t even recognize any trace of that broken little girl I once was. He’s given me beauty for ashes, strength for brokenness and praise for sorrow. Faithful He has been, and faithful He will be. My faithful, faithful Restorer. He’s the reason I still believe today. He is every stubborn breath and relentless pump of this still-beating heart. He is why I can get back on my two feet no matter what comes to break me in this life — I swear I will not be broken because He holds my every piece.

Don’t lose hope. 

He isn’t nowhere near done with you. 

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Hope, Musings, Pain

I Trust You Father

What if? Very rarely do we ever find out what if. All we can do is to keep our heads up and keep on walking. Trusting that every turn, every wrong decision, every mistake, will all eventually come together into something far more beautiful than what we could have ever come up with on our own. 

Why did things have to happen the way they did? Should I have known better? Done it all differently? What if? What if? I have so many unanswered questions that tinge my heart with sadness, but I will learn to make peace with them. This must be what surrender looks like.

God I know You make all things beautiful even when I don’t understand. What’s ahead will be worth it all.

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Destiny, Musings, Process, The Voyage

Mercy Pulled Me Back

“You remind me of things forgotten..”

Oh how thankful I am that I came – it really was His perfect timing. I needed it more than I realized. Needed to hear again, needed to see again – the things forgotten, the things I pushed out of sight because it was so much easier to just forget. But He doesn’t forget. For the longest time I was drowning. Carrying the weight of toxic that I should never have let myself carry. 

But in the midst of my foolishness, the Lord fought so fiercely for me. The more I think upon it the more I realize that all along He has been fighting for me. Mercy, mercy everywhere I turn. Mercy that reached for me in the midst of my blindness and pulled me out. I see it all so clear now. 

It is time to breathe again Isabel. Breathe in the freedom you didn’t even know you lost along the way. 

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Destiny, mercy, The Voyage

New Every Morning 

“There is time to make things right, to put things where they should have been put from the beginning. We convince ourselves that we are stuck where we have chosen to stick, and nothing can change it. Every moment, we can begin again. Every moment, you can become whomever you have waited to become.”

Mercy held me through the night, even when I could not see. And it is mercy that will lift me up to kiss the dawn. Beautiful, beautiful mercy. 

Father I trust you. With my whole heart I trust You. 

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