Consecration, Process, Trials, Wilderness

I do believe, please help my unbelief.

I miss the days of simple faith. Everything is so much easier when you “just believe”. So much more beautiful. 

How I envy those who have not gone through the fires of doubt. 

Here I stand now in these fires. They lick and eat away at me from every side. Will I come out unscathed and stronger, or will they burn me away to waste? 



Some nights I lie awake and question everything that I believe. Everything that I know and hold so dear. Everything that I so stake my life on. 

I think the measure of how much you truly believe in something is how crippled you would be if you discovered it were not true after all. 

Musings, Process

Unanswered Prayers

Looking back, I am so grateful God never answered some of the things I prayed the hardest for. We always think we know what is good for ourselves, but truth be told, we really don’t. We think we know what we want, but what we want could actually turn out to be completely terrible for us. Some of my greatest disappointments and unanswered prayers have turned out to be the most amazing protection I’ve ever received. I shudder to think of what would have become of my life if He had given me the things I wanted when I so foolishly wanted them. He protects me, He blesses me, and He redirects me, even when I cannot see or understand it at the time. I am so glad He knows better than me.

It’s the sweetest thing to trust Him.

Musings, Process

On Questions

“Here, where I am surrounded by an enormous landscape, which the winds move across as they come from the seas, here I feel that there is no one anywhere who can answer for you those questions and feelings which, in their depths, have a life of their own; for even the most articulate people are unable to help, since what words point to is so very delicate, is almost unsayable.

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

– Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.

Longing, Musings, Process, Trials, Wilderness

There’s A Gap

“What do I do here in the waiting?
What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?
What do I do here in the waiting?
Here in the tension of believing again and again and again

There’s a lack
There’s a gap in my soul
Between the things that I believe and I know

So Holy spirit
You who fill all and all
Come and fill me
Holy Spirit, come and hold me together

I fall into grace again
Yes I fall into grace again
Like a child I am

Like a child I am.”


The Forgotten Jesus

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she said something along the lines of, “Jesus is the most neglected topic in the Church today”.

I can’t help but to agree with how true that is. I honestly cannot remember the last time I heard someone talk about Jesus. About His divinity, about His character, His personality, His heart, His nature, His desires. 

I hear more teachings about how to manage finances, the need to “submit”, how to be a good leader, how to worship, how to know your giftings…. More than I do about Jesus Himself. 

It’s not that these things are bad, but they are secondary to the knowledge of God Himself. 

Then I turned to see the voice that spoke with me. And having turned I saw seven golden lampstands, and in the midst of the seven lampstands One like the Son of Man, clothed with a garment down to the feet and girded about the chest with a golden band. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a flame of fire; His feet were like fine brass, as if refined in a furnace, and His voice as the sound of many waters; He had in His right hand seven stars, out of His mouth went a sharp two-edged sword, and His countenance was like the sun shining in its strength. And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, “Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death. (‭Revelation‬ ‭1‬:‭12-18‬ NKJV)

Can we truly say that we know Jesus? The One with eyes of fire, the One with a voice like many waters. The One with feet of brass, hair white as wool – beauty and countenance shining brighter than the sun in all its strength. The glorious One who sits enthroned above the circle of the earth. The One surrounded by cherubims and seraphims who cry holy and sing of His beauty, worshipping Him both day and night. The One Ezekiel saw in the whirlwind of raging fire, the Man on the Throne above the glowing firmament. Holy Bridegroom, precious Lamb of God, the Desire of the Nations, Son of David, Lion of Judah, King of Israel, the righteous Judge who is to come soon. 

Do we truly know this Jesus?