Calvary, Fear of God, Grace, Love, Worship

Beautiful Calvary

“At the cross You beckon me,
Draw me gently to my knees,
And I am lost for words, so lost in love
I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.”

I was singing this chorus on the piano tonight… Oh! One need only linger a while at the foot of the cross to be moved to weeping. I never want to get over the cross. I never, ever, ever want to get over the cross.

It is the greatest wonder, the most beautiful mystery. Divine Uncreated Love hung naked and bleeding on a tree. The One who stood in unapproachable light forsook His garments of glory for frail human skin. This Jesus, this beautiful, preexistent, uncreated Son of God became Lamb to drink the cup of wrath that was meant for me.

This breaks me.

Grace, Intimacy, Longing, Musings, Pain, Process, Wilderness

Riding the Lows

It is easy to love God when you are in a room full of people passionately pursuing Him with you. It is easy to love Him after a big conference. It is easy to love Him when your heart is so full and when His presence is more tangible than the ground you stand on. It is easy when He comes and fuels your zeal, and when He causes your heart to burn with frightening intensity. Yes, I know the highs, and I love the highs. 

But He is teaching me to ride the lows as well. He is teaching me to love Him and to reach out to Him in the day to day mundaneness of life. It still isn’t easy. It never is. I struggle so hard to love when I cannot see, to press on when I cannot feel. Life gets so noisy, and I have to fight with all my might to keep my eyes focused and my heart turned towards the One I love so dearly. Sometimes I feel so weak and so incapable that I cry and cry. I cry at my inability to give Him what He deserves. I yearn to give Him so much, but I fall short and it makes me so heartbroken. 

Lately, the comforting blanket of His presence has been coming to cover me. It is like refreshing rain to my dry and barren soul. In those short moments, He tells me, “I am here. I am always here. Look at Me, just look at Me.” I cling on to these precious moments for dear life. They are slivers of grace given to strengthen me during the famines of His presence. 

I do not understand the purpose of the dark night, but I want to learn to love Him even when I cannot see. I do not understand why during certain seasons, His presence is more real than the air I breathe and why during others, He hides from me. I do not understand it at all. But I am learning to ride the lows. I am learning to trust that He sees the weak reaches of my weak heart. I am learning to trust that just one feeble glance of my eyes is enough to move Him. I am praying that the pursuit of my weak heart will delight Him, and that when I fight for the One I love, He will draw near to me in ways I have only ever imagined. 

I want more, and I will not stop pressing in, even in my weakness.

Bridal Paradigm, Intimacy

This is my Beloved, this is my Friend

My beloved is fairer and none can compare
He’s beauty, He stands alone
And His brightness is blinding, He is outshining
The glory of the sun above

Beautiful savior
Precious Lamb of God
Wonderful Jesus
My dear One, whom I love

You are worth far more than I could ever give
My love I give to You
Let my life be like a sweet fragrance
Fully pleasing before You

Lovely, excellent, dazzling
Chief among ten thousand.

My beloved is white and ruddy,
Chief among ten thousand.
His head is like the finest gold;
His locks are wavy, and black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves by the rivers of waters,
Washed with milk, and fitly set.
His cheeks are like a bed of spices, banks of scented herbs.
His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh.
His hands are rods of gold set with beryl.
His body is carved ivory Inlaid with sapphires.
His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of fine gold.
His countenance is like Lebanon, excellent as the cedars.
His mouth is most sweet,
Yes, he is altogether lovely.
This is my beloved,
And this is my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem! (‭Song of Solomon‬ ‭5‬:‭10-16‬ NKJV)

Grace, Intimacy, Prayer

Receive Me Even In My Weakness

My heart is weak in the sense that I am weak and frail flesh. My prayers are weak and small, my supplications; faint and at times, incoherent even. In moments like these, I am prone to condemn myself and believe that my weak comings and goings before the Throne make no difference, that I am unheard and unseen. I hide my head in shame because of my weakness. It is easy to believe that I am pleasing to Him when my soul is ablaze with passion. It is easy to believe also that I am unworthy of Him when my soul is faint with burden and heavy with the cloak of dullness. I think to myself, “Surely He, someOne so beautiful, is deserving of a better love! What does He want with me when I am weak?”

But far is that from the truth. He hears the weak breath of a babe as much as He hears the eloquent prayers of fervent saints. He beckons me to boldly come, even in my weakness. Even when I have nothing to offer but pitiful cries, He wants me to come. I do not understand this, but I am glad for it. If it depended on me and my risings and fallings, I could never hope to draw close to God. But as it is, He beckons me to draw close, not because of who I am but because of who He is. I am not constant, but He is. I am weak, but He is glad to receive me even in my weakness.

Intimacy, Longing, Musings, The Church

Are We Too Bored?

How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light. (‭Psalm‬ ‭36‬:‭7-9‬ ESV)

An abundant feast? A river of delight? That sounds amazing to me! I don’t know about you but I sure would love to drink from a river of delights ….

Have we been way too bored with God? Why the dullness? Why the complacency? Why the halfheartedness? Why the slumber and why the apathy?

I honestly think we have been settling for far too little for far too long.

Intimacy, Longing

From The Bottom Of My Heart

To love You and to be loved by You. That’s all I want, really. At the end of a long day, I search my heart, and that is all I want. To love You and to be loved by You – this is my simple desire. 

In a sea of faces, my heart still longs for Yours. 

// As the deer pants for the water, my soul longs for You
As the body dies without water, my soul dies without You

Take me to the place where You satisfy, take me to the river
I’ll do anything, God; there is no price, take me to the river

They may say, “Come on, get over it, everything is okay”
They may say, “Why the hunger?
Why the thirsting? Why the mourning?”
But my soul cries, my soul cries

They may say, “Why the mourning?
Drink be merry, for tomorrow we die
Tomorrow we die”
That’s why I’d rather sit in the house of mourning
Than at the table with fools

My soul cries, my soul cries, my soul cries for You
All my tears You hold in a bottle; You will pour them out like rain
Weeping endures for the night, for the night
But joy comes in the morning, joy comes in the morning

Blessed are the hungry — You said it, I believe it
Blessed are the thirsty — You said it, I believe it
Hunger is my gift, thirst the evidence
That You are drawing me deeper, deeper still

Deep is calling out to deep is calling out to deep
Yesterday’s depth is feeling really shallow
I’ve gotta go deeper, deeper, deeper still
And all Your waves and all Your billows crash over me
Pulling me deeper still

As the deer pants for the water, my soul longs for You
As the body dies without water, my soul dies without You. //