Hope, Musings, Pain, Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

Happy Birthday

Tired. If there was one word I could use to describe what this year has been like for me, tired would be it. This has been one of the hardest years for me. Full of heavy days and long nights. Of questions unanswered, faith shattered and a heart broken, over and over again beyond measure. And I am tired. Not in a way that a good night’s sleep can help – but tired, with a weariness that reaches deep down to my very bones.

I read this quote once – Sometimes in times of great sorrow, we lose parts of who we are and we have to find a way to get them back. I have lost myself in countless ways over the past year. How do you bring yourself back when things break you in different ways and you are left a completely different person each time? 

But these words came to me suddenly (as words often do) when I was in the back of a taxi one night, “You brew your storms in a teacup and wonder why it spills everywhere. Look up buttercup. There’s still beauty all around you.” 

That little voice was right. There still is. I see it – in the eyes of my loved ones more than anywhere else. You know who you are. You guys mean more to me than you will ever understand. Your strength has been there when my own failed and you have carried me in loving arms when I could not walk a step further. Thank you. 

And this I also know – God is still with me. I don’t know much else but this I do know – that He is real and that He is still with me. 

Of course I enter this year hoping that it will be a better year than the last. Of course. But even if it is not, especially if it is not, let my heart always be found loving and worshipping my Creator, from whom come all the days of my life. He is my beginning and my end – I will never forget that. He will always have my worship. Here I am at the end of my 24th, extremely bruised and battered, but this remains, now and always, the vow of my life. 

Advertisements
Standard
Pain, Process, restoration, Trials, Wilderness

Nostalgia 

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, wrap my fragile younger self in my arms and say to her, “Everything’s going to be alright. He restores.” God knows how much she needed to hear it. But I can’t do that of course. I can’t tell her how much she really is worth. I can’t tell her that she doesn’t need to fight for love because real love would have fought for her. I can’t tell her that what she needs is to protect and fight for her own heart and dignity instead. I can’t tell her that all she ever needs can be found in the safe and loving arms of a Father. I can’t tell her that she really is beautiful, even when she sees anything but staring back at her in the mirror. I can’t tell her that Love is wiping away her tears each night as she cries herself to sleep, and that Mercy will make it all brand new. I can’t tell her about the way He will turn it all around and make her little heart strong and capable of withstanding anything. I can’t tell her how He will fill her eyes light and help her dare to hope and dream again. I can’t do any of that. 

But I will spend the rest of my life telling it to every other broken young girl I meet. 

Because it’s true. He did it. Every little thing He promised to me, He fulfilled and is still fulfilling. He’s turned it all around and I can’t even recognize any trace of that broken little girl I once was. He’s given me beauty for ashes, strength for brokenness and praise for sorrow. Faithful He has been, and faithful He will be. My faithful, faithful Restorer. He’s the reason I still believe today. He is every stubborn breath and relentless pump of this still-beating heart. He is why I can get back on my two feet no matter what comes to break me in this life — I swear I will not be broken because He holds my every piece.

Don’t lose hope. 

He isn’t nowhere near done with you. 

Standard
Love, Pain

Hide 

Heavyweight absence. Sometimes that is all you know. 

Steady drip drip, is that another tear? Cry it out. How long until they run out? Sometimes, long before the hurt does. 

But simmer down, love. Feel it all and teach yourself to breathe again. Someday, somehow, you will find what makes your heart feel a little less alone. Someday, somehow, you will find strong arms ready to meet you in the midst of all your fragility. A warmth so solid and a love so present that you will forget what it was ever like not to feel safe. Right there it will be – a love that stays.  

“But what do I do until then?” 

Put your foot one in front of the other. Keep walking, just like you always have. Fight for your heart, even when no one else will. You know how to do this, remember? 

Hide when you must. Find your safe places and hide. You will know when it’s okay to come out again.

Standard
Desire, Eschatology, Eternity, Forerunner Message, Longing, Worship

Worth the Wait

I’ve never been good at waiting. When I know something, I want it. When I see treasure of great worth and beauty (even more so, treasure I know is promised for me!) everything in me yearns to the point of tears. There have been times when I feel like I will break from longing. 

The heartache of waiting is real. But so is the beauty of hope. These two emotions mingle together into a strange unsettling sigh. 

But He is worth it. He is worth the heartache of waiting. He is worth the tears and the longing. Every twist of my heart brings me closer to a life lived beside the One I love. 

“…not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland.. they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭11:13-14, 16‬ ‭

Standard