Consecration, Destiny, The Voyage

The Road Not Taken

Someone once told me that nothing ever happens like you plan for it to. I should’ve listened. It would have saved me so much heartache. I had so many notions and dreams of my own – all these plans for what and when, and how and who. And o the strife and confusion that happened in this little heart of mine. There were moments when I fought when I should’ve rested, and moments I drew back when I should’ve fought. In hindsight, I really didn’t know any better though. I had always just done what I thought was best at the time.

But that is what happens when you strive after selfish little dreams that aren’t His.

Unrest.

Because He holds me to my vows of being completely His and not my own, everytime I start to build castles that aren’t His, He steps in to fight me. Mostly gently, but sometimes with much fierceness (how great and terrifying those moments, I can never forget).

But this is the path I have chosen – His will and His story, above mine, now and forever. I am not saying that there are not woeful nights when sighings overtake my heart and I wistfully yearn for the things that could have been had I chosen another path. There are. So many of them. Even so, I no longer wish to strive for petty dreams, even the big ones, because every dream that isn’t His is ultimately rendered petty, no matter how good and fulfilling they seem to appear at first to the undiscerning human spirit.

And such is the life I will live. The one of always choosing His will, His dream, and His story above my own. No matter how painful. No matter what it costs me. And it has cost me a lot, yes even now, even in my tender youth.

“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” // Piper 

Surprisingly enough though, there is a fulfillment that comes with giving yourself over to a cause higher than yourself. It is deeper than anything I’ve ever known. When you die to yourself so that you can say yes to God, the strangest peace will overcome you.

And perhaps there is a place where His dreams and my own can meet. Perhaps there will still be an unraveling of a life so much more beautiful than what I could have ever planned for on my own.

Is He not a good Father after all? He is. I know His heart.

So I say yes to all His ways.

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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth;          

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same,         

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back.         

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference. 

– Robert Frost // The Road Not Taken.         

 

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Consecration, Process

You’re the best believer in me. 

“And he brought him to Jesus. Now when Jesus looked at him, He said, “You are Simon the son of Jonah. You shall be called Cephas” (which is translated, A Stone).”‭‭John‬ ‭1:42‬ ‭‬‬

You see who we are even before we’ve become. You know beginning to end, and everything else in between. You are in my everyday; gently shaping, faithfully molding, intently burning. You are well able to see me through from the here and now, all the way until then. You are in my mess. My trials, my triumphs, You are in it all. With me. For me. 

Faithful One, I know You will finish what You’ve started inside me. Make me into all the beauty that You’ve ever dreamed of for me to be. 

“Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy..” ‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:24‬ ‭‬‬

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Pain, Trials, Wilderness

Tired, Just Tired. 

It’s been a weary few months, with my heart being tossed to and fro by the waves. Most of the time my pain feels like a maze I will never be able to climb my way out of. I am tired of the uncertainty that surrounds me. I speak of hope to the people around me, even though I am not sure if I have any left for myself. There are nights when I lie in bed with tears falling down my face, wondering how I ever got here to this place. Wondering why I keep looking for happiness in the place I lost it. I cry myself to exhaustion, and finally fall asleep in a dreamless haze, only to wake up to questions unanswered and longings unfulfilled yet again.

Please heal my heart Jesus. I don’t know how to heal it myself. I don’t know how I got here. 

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Process, Trials

Higher Waves 

I wrote this a year ago. This battle has not changed. It is one that rages fiercer than ever before. I thought it would have been over by now, but I am still fighting. I feel a tiredness that is bone deep. My doubt and fear – so real. Help me God, I’m afraid I might let go. 

“The Lord is kind to give us startling moments of intense prophetic clarity during the heights of encounter. It is of utter importance to cling onto these moments because just as quickly as they come, they can, just as quickly, be clouded by the torrent of our emotions the moment we allow even a hint of doubt to enter into our hearts. It is true that we must choose our battles wisely, and perhaps one of the most important battles we will ever have to fight is the one that rages to smother our God-given words and dreams. I cannot even begin to tell you how many hopes and desires I have let flower, only to then wither and choke under the weeds of doubt, uncertainty, fear and discouragement. Was He lying when He showed me these things? Was it false hope? Is He a God who changes His mind? No. It is I who is not constant. It is my frailty, my weak grasp, my torrential emotions … my humanity.
But enough. Steady my heart and strengthen my feeble knees. He is not man that He should lie. What He says with piercing clarity in the glory remains the same in the aching tension of longings yet unfulfilled. And so I will fight to cling. I will fight stay in peace. I will fight for my heart to remain in ruthless trust.

As surely as He has spoken, His promises shall come to pass. Be it unto me.

Be it unto me.”

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Consecration, Destiny, Grace, Longing, Musings, Pain, Prayer, Process, Trials, Wilderness

Safe, Or Right?

When it comes to process, I’ll be the first one to confess how much I hate it. But I think only when He tests your heart can you truly see what’s on the inside. There are things that you discover in the waiting and in the stretching that you wouldn’t have grapsed otherwise.

Over the past few months the Lord has been testing my heart and I am realizing that what is comfortable and easy isn’t always right. All around me I am presented with options that, if I decide to choose, would allow me to be set for life. I see these options, and I realize that there is an easy life available to me if I want it. It is entirely within my reach and it will be a life crafted by my own hands.

But I don’t want that! I don’t want a life of my own making. I want a life crafted by Him.

There is a such tempting to choose the safe, to choose the comfortable. And although that would look like a life of abundance on the outside, I know with all my heart that it will be a lesser life. Although it would look like a life of prosperity to everyone else, it is, in reality, utter poverty because it will be settling for less than what He has dreamed of in His heart for me. I don’t think my heart would be able to bear that kind of holy dissatisfaction. Certainly it is a wretched way to live, even though all my needs will be taken care of on the outside. I can’t!

Yet I am so aware right now that if I go His way and forsake my own, it would look utterly ridiculous on the outside. It would go against every norm and tradition, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to turn back. But how can I tell Him that I surrender if I am unwilling to let go of my own need for control and allow Him to take the wheel?

So I take a deep breath and I willingly choose to step into the water, because that is where I see Him standing and calling. Will I sink? Will I swim? I don’t know. And that frightens me. So much!
But better to step out of my boat into the waves where He is, than to hide inside luxury and comfort all the days of my life where He is not. A risk it may be, but please let me never exalt my need for comfort over Him!

I know this – there is nothing outside the will of God that I want, no matter how comfortable or lovely looking. I want the fullness of a life lived inside His will, even if it tears me from my safe little cocoon. Even if it makes no sense at all.

What if is a question I never want to have to ponder. I embrace You Lord and all Your beautiful ways, even if it makes me look like a fool.

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Intimacy, Longing, Love, Musings

Treasure

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. (‭Matthew‬ ‭13‬:‭44‬ NKJV)

When you find real treasure, you fight for it. You pursue it with everything you have. You gladly give all to keep it. It is not a burdensome task. It is the delight and the joy of your heart. When you realize the worth of something, there is no price. It is the same with God. Reckless abandonment and wholehearted surrender is the only response there is. Anyone at all who has truly encountered His person will tell you the same. 

A fool I may seem in the eyes of the world, but I’ve found my treasure. I’ve found the delight of my heart and the love of my life. I’ve never known such beauty and I don’t want to look anywhere else. I don’t have to. He is the culmination of my every longing and in Him I find the fulfillment of every desire I’ve ever had. 

He is the treasure I stand for and fight for. And just like that man in the field, He is the treasure I would give anything for. 

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Intimacy, Love, Musings, Pain, Process, Purpose, Trials, Wilderness

Year In Review

I’m so thankful for all 2014 has brought. It’s been quiet on the outside, but everything’s changed inside my heart. There’s something about journeying through the processes of life with God that brings about a deep trust and communion that wouldn’t have come about otherwise. It is true, He brings us into deep waters not to drown us but to cleanse us and to draw us closer into His heart.

I’m so excited for the new things 2015 has in store! I’m not afraid when He is by my side. I can trust the One who holds my heart, my life, and everything else in between. He’s walked me through the darkest valleys and through the most joyful mountaintops, and He will walk me through everything else that comes my way in 2015 – good and bad.

Lord, I’ll trust You and I’ll surrender, every step of the way. My life is not my own, and am I ever so glad for it.

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