Intimacy, Love

A thousand ways of I love you

I fall in love with you a thousand ways every single day. I love the way your eyes sparkle with mischief, and I love the way they soften with tenderness when they look at me. I love your strong arms at night when they hold me to sleep. I love the calm and determined way you tell me, “I’m here, I’m always here” when tears are pouring down my face. I love how you silence my roaring thoughts. I love the way you treat your mama, it gives me a glimpse of how you will treat me when the years finally show on my face. I love your presence, your simple quiet presence. I love how you see good in everything, in everything and in me. I love the way you fall asleep, bundled up, your chest, rising, falling – so peaceful and perfect and unaware. I love your broad shoulders, how they never seem to carry the weight of the world (they make me believe I could be as weightless too). I love when you’re tired and grumpy, I love when you’re fresh out the shower, hair puffy and in the most endearing mess. I love the tender side you don’t show to anyone else but me. I love the way your eyes crinkle at the sides when you laugh at something silly I did. I’m always silly when I’m with you – you do that to me. You make me the lightest, happiest version of myself.

And that’s what love is isn’t it? You taught me love is simple and pure. It is happy and kind. It is days of laughter, and it is days of the mundane, my hands always intertwined with yours. It breathes life back into the darkest corners of the broken human heart. Aren’t you happy that we found it? That we found us? I’m so happy.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ll say it to you a thousand times over until my words become your reality, just as yours have become mine.

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Longing, Love, Words

Fool

The prospect of love reduces me into a manic fool. But how can I not be one, when it is the greatest desire, the biggest longing of my godforsaken heart.

How desperate my clutch becomes, how embarrassing.

But love is my desire, my greatest longing and I can’t help but to become a fool for it.

– written months ago, when I first met him.

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Love, Musings, Poetry, Words

A Short Story

“You are like a dancing dream, full of bright lights and colors and explosion. I could watch you all day and when you speak I never want to stop listening. You make me fall in love without even trying, and you don’t even know it.” 

I wrote this ages ago. I never share little pieces like in the moment – it feels too vulnerable. But when it has all passed and when my heart has settled.. the stories become easier to tell. 

He made such a mark on my heart. It was a very brief and fragile time, but I catch myself missing it every single day. 

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Pain, Process

Enough. 

Today, somebody – a father figure – gave me permission to let go. I didn’t know just how much I needed that until I heard it coming from his lips. What a relief it was, after all this time, to finally be allowed to.

The expectations of other people can sometimes be such a cruel thing. So beyond the “shoulds” and the “shouldn’ts”, I’m taking back my own damn life. 

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Musings, Pain, Words

What do I say to you girls — you beautiful girls? You girls who are having the Bad Year — the Bad Year where you cannot remember why you were happy aged 12, and cannot imagine being happy at 21? … That panic and anxiety will lie to you — they are gonzo, malign commentators on the events of your life. Their counsel is wrong. You are as high, wired and badly advised by adrenaline as you would be by cocaine. Panic and anxiety are mad, drugged fools. Do not listen to their grinding-toothed, sweaty bullshit … And the most important thing? To know that you were not born like this. You were not born scared and self-loathing and overwhelmed. Things have been done — which means things can be undone. It is hard work. But you are not scared of hard work, compared with everything else you have dealt with.

Caitlin Moran 

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