Pain, Wilderness

Am I too far gone? 

Before mistakes and slippery slopes and wrong turnings, I was once a girl with a heart full of hope. I want to be her again. Now it is just ache and disappointment. Fear of being let down, yet again. Fear that has closed my heart up and caused me to build so many walls up. Fear that has stolen life from my eyes and love from my heart. 

I feel so far from all I once dreamed of with You. It hurts to even think about it. I’ve fallen and strayed so far. How will I ever go back? Is it even possible? All that You once called me to do, all that You once sung over me… is any of it even true anymore? 

I once saw and knew so clearly. But now I know nothing anymore. It scares me so much. And the saddest part is that I tried my best. I’ve always tried my best. But my best was never enough to stop it all from falling apart. 

Oh Mercy, please rewrite my history. 

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Consecration, Destiny, Eternity, Process, Purpose, The Voyage

Unshakeable Hope 

“These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. 

For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country.

Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.” // Hebrews‬ ‭11:13-16‬ ‭

Only when we understand how it will end will we know how we must live in the now. God placed eternity in the hearts of men for this very reason. (Ecc 3:11) This vapor called life has to be anchored in what is transcendent and of eternal continuity if it is to have any meaning – otherwise we are but mere wandering fools to be pitied. 

Everything else is like chaff – it will all burn away to dust before the fire of His eyes. I can’t even begin to tell you how it is my biggest fear to live a life that counts for nothing. To have built my life upon all these things that seemed so great in the eyes of men, only to stand before Him on that day and have it all fall out from under me. 

I swear, with everything I have within me, that I will live and posture my life in such a way that when I finally enter into His presence, it will not be with shame – but with my head held high, strong and absolutely victorious in love. 

Seasons come and seasons go, and I have many dreams to fight for, but this – this will always be the biggest dream of my heart. 

I will receive the reward of my faith.

“… to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.” /// Jude‬ ‭1:24-25‬

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Destiny, Love, Purpose, The Voyage

Did You Learn To Love? 

“The measure of a man is the measure of his heart,

The measure of a man is the measure of his love.”

Few words have struck me as deeply as these. We cannot define greatness on our own terms, we have to define them by His. Only two commandments did He give to us – the entire Law hangs upon these two simple lines. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor. 

If all of life comes down to love – if greatness is defined solely by this rightful pursuit of our hearts – then we must learn to do it well. How can we afford otherwise? 

At the end of my days, when I stand before Him I want to do so with a heart that is tender, a heart that has been enlarged by life to love and love well. If this is how He defines greatness, then may I always live up to His standards and not the world’s. The world asks me for my career, my beauty, my status, my fame. But He cuts through all of that and asks me of only one thing – my heart. 

May I exchange my vain ideas and empty ambitions for what truly counts before the throne of God. I want to build my life upon this one and singular firm foundation, because I know that everything else will one day burn away before His eyes of fire. 

You don’t measure me like man may see, You’re looking at my heart; the core of me. When it’s all been said, when it’s all been done, when the race is run – it all comes down to love. 

“Did you learn to love?” is what You will ask of me. 

“Did you learn to love?” not about my ministry. 

“Did you learn to love?” not about my money. 

“…Did you learn to love?”

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Process, The Voyage

So onwards we go. 

Sometimes we think we want to go one way but life takes us another. Our choices, they make or break everything and for the longest time I agonized over this, never daring to even move because I was so afraid. 

Am I where I’m supposed to be now? I still don’t know. But He whispers to me, “I am with you.” And with that I will learn to be content as I put one foot in front of the other. 

Maybe it is not about where I will end up as it is me becoming His in the process. 

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Musings, Words

sweet love // a word, from me to you. 

I’ve held love so precious and tender in my hands.. and I’ve had love robbed from me just as cruelly as a newborn child is ripped from its mother. I’ve tasted of love so sweet only for it to slip through my fingers as I cried helpless. So believe me when I tell you sorrowfully to appreciate the love you have when you have it. If you have love, real love, the kind that makes you feel at home and sends fire coursing through your veins all at the same time, fight to keep it. Fight even if the whole universe tries to keep you from it. Love is always worth it. I sit here and write to you with trembling fingers hoping that one day I get to hold love like that again, and keep it this time. 

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Musings, Trials, Words

The Art of Forgiving Yourself 

we never purposely make mistakes, we just do what we think is best at the time. at least, that is how it is for me – i’ve always just done the best I knew how – yet sometimes only to look back and marvel at what a complete fool i was. 

but we pick ourselves up. & we learn and we move on. 

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