Pain, Prayer, Trials, Wilderness

Hanging on by a tiny thread

There are times when life corners you in so, and all you can do is fall on your face before God for help, hoping against hope that He will come through for you. That your tears are not in vain and that there is a God who sees and hears. That, whatever it looks like, your redemption will come. 

Please don’t make me wait for too long, I’m so afraid I might let go. 

Hope, Musings, Pain, Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

Happy Birthday

Tired. If there was one word I could use to describe what this year has been like for me, tired would be it. This has been one of the hardest years for me. Full of heavy days and long nights. Of questions unanswered, faith shattered and a heart broken, over and over again beyond measure. And I am tired. Not in a way that a good night’s sleep can help – but tired, with a weariness that reaches deep down to my very bones.

I read this quote once – Sometimes in times of great sorrow, we lose parts of who we are and we have to find a way to get them back. I have lost myself in countless ways over the past year. How do you bring yourself back when things break you in different ways and you are left a completely different person each time? 

But these words came to me suddenly (as words often do) when I was in the back of a taxi one night, “You brew your storms in a teacup and wonder why it spills everywhere. Look up buttercup. There’s still beauty all around you.” 

That little voice was right. There still is. I see it – in the eyes of my loved ones more than anywhere else. You know who you are. You guys mean more to me than you will ever understand. Your strength has been there when my own failed and you have carried me in loving arms when I could not walk a step further. Thank you. 

And this I also know – God is still with me. I don’t know much else but this I do know – that He is real and that He is still with me. 

Of course I enter this year hoping that it will be a better year than the last. Of course. But even if it is not, especially if it is not, let my heart always be found loving and worshipping my Creator, from whom come all the days of my life. He is my beginning and my end – I will never forget that. He will always have my worship. Here I am at the end of my 24th, extremely bruised and battered, but this remains, now and always, the vow of my life. 

Consecration, Pain, Process, Wilderness

Forgive Me 

I am sorry Lord. I am so sorry for every stubborn pump of this rebellious heart. How I wish it were simpler. Maybe I would have gotten to where I needed to be by now if not for the hysterical unreliable mess that is me. 

But the road has been long, and the night, endless. The faint whispers of Your promise, all but drowned out in the wild, wild wind. It is hard for me to admit this, but somewhere along the way, I think I gave up. The extent of my own weakness shocks me. I thought I was stronger, I thought I was stronger. 

Make me a child again. Teach me simple trust again. 

I don’t want to fight anymore. 

I once asked for mercy for this journey. I never knew just how much I would need it. 

Eternity, Intimacy, Longing, Love, Prayer, Trials, Wilderness

Strengthen Me to Worship

This is not a new revelation but tonight I realized again just how much of a choice love and worship is. It is a decision we make, over and over again, irregardless of the emotions we feel. I cannot always see Him, the One with eyes like fire and hair like wool. There are some days when the shroud of normality and the blanket of mundaneness seem more real than the Burning One John wrote about in the book of Revelation. 

But I think I struggle the most when my heart is tired. When my heart is tired and when my soul is weary, the last thing I feel like doing is declaring goodness when I don’t see it. When there is a gap between what I know and what I see, it is hard to believe. It is hard to face the void and to speak life into it. It is easier to curl up in a ball under my blanket and shut down, or to put on a senseless movie to numb the mind. It is easier to run around in circles distracting myself with a million and one things than it is to come vulnerable before God and sing. 

But love chooses Him. Love sings to Him even in tiredness and weariness. Love chooses worship and love chooses praise. And I love Him. 

There are days when His presence is closer than the skin on my bones. It is so easy to worship Him then because all I can see is glory. But there are also days when my heart hurts and all I know is the mundane. I know that one day, the curtain of eternity will open and I will see Him with unveiled eyes. But until then, in the dark night of faith, I will choose to worship. He is still beautiful and He is still worthy, even when I cannot see. And I will sing my love to Him, even if I have to wage a war within my will to do so. 

Longing, Musings, Process, Trials, Wilderness

There’s A Gap

“What do I do here in the waiting?
What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?
What do I do here in the waiting?
Here in the tension of believing again and again and again

There’s a lack
There’s a gap in my soul
Between the things that I believe and I know

So Holy spirit
You who fill all and all
Come and fill me
Holy Spirit, come and hold me together

I fall into grace again
Yes I fall into grace again
Like a child I am

Like a child I am.”