Grace, Prayer, Process, The Voyage, Trials, Wilderness

This is about faith.

When it’s new it’s all exciting isn’t it? But as the years go by and as our hurts pile up, our hearts harden against God. Staying in love is hard when you are full of disappointment and disillusionment.

I for one am still on a journey of rediscovering what it means to stay faithful, even after all these years. To allow my heart to soften and to trust again.

A bruised reed You said You will not break, so please be patient with me God.

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Process, The Voyage

So onwards we go. 

Sometimes we think we want to go one way but life takes us another. Our choices, they make or break everything and for the longest time I agonized over this, never daring to even move because I was so afraid. 

Am I where I’m supposed to be now? I still don’t know. But He whispers to me, “I am with you.” And with that I will learn to be content as I put one foot in front of the other. 

Maybe it is not about where I will end up as it is me becoming His in the process. 

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Pain, Process, Trials

My Prideful Need 

After all these years I am still learning to surrender. To yield all I do not have control over to the One who reigns over all. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but these hands – they hold on so tight. Always clutching to understand. Constantly grappling to make sense, though I can but see so far with these shallow eyes. My finite mind becomes so furious when I cannot comprehend. I throw my fists up in the sky, demanding for some form of explaination – as if He owes me anything at all. But more often than not I am met only with gentle silence. 

Please help me to let go. 

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Intimacy, Longing, Love, Worship

Take me back to the beginning

How do I praise You in my brokenness? How do I give You what You are worthy of when I am only half full? How do I sing, even in my pain, fear and mistrust? 

Bring me back to that place where I could come to You in abandonment. Take me back to when love was simple. Take me back to when trust did not have to make sense. 

I want to sing again. I want to love well again. 

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Consecration, Process

You’re the best believer in me. 

“And he brought him to Jesus. Now when Jesus looked at him, He said, “You are Simon the son of Jonah. You shall be called Cephas” (which is translated, A Stone).”‭‭John‬ ‭1:42‬ ‭‬‬

You see who we are even before we’ve become. You know beginning to end, and everything else in between. You are in my everyday; gently shaping, faithfully molding, intently burning. You are well able to see me through from the here and now, all the way until then. You are in my mess. My trials, my triumphs, You are in it all. With me. For me. 

Faithful One, I know You will finish what You’ve started inside me. Make me into all the beauty that You’ve ever dreamed of for me to be. 

“Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy..” ‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:24‬ ‭‬‬

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Destiny, Musings, Process

Beautiful Mercy 

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”‭‭Psalm‬ ‭73:21-26‬ ‭

Thank You for Your great great mercies. I was like a brute beast – senseless and arrogant in my rebellion. What a fool! But in Your kindness You reached for me, and You set me back on the path of life.

I trust You with my whole heart and I surrender myself once more to Your good, pleasing and perfect will. I fear nothing when I am with You. 

Mercy saved me. And mercy will lead me on. 

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Process, Trials

Higher Waves 

I wrote this a year ago. This battle has not changed. It is one that rages fiercer than ever before. I thought it would have been over by now, but I am still fighting. I feel a tiredness that is bone deep. My doubt and fear – so real. Help me God, I’m afraid I might let go. 

“The Lord is kind to give us startling moments of intense prophetic clarity during the heights of encounter. It is of utter importance to cling onto these moments because just as quickly as they come, they can, just as quickly, be clouded by the torrent of our emotions the moment we allow even a hint of doubt to enter into our hearts. It is true that we must choose our battles wisely, and perhaps one of the most important battles we will ever have to fight is the one that rages to smother our God-given words and dreams. I cannot even begin to tell you how many hopes and desires I have let flower, only to then wither and choke under the weeds of doubt, uncertainty, fear and discouragement. Was He lying when He showed me these things? Was it false hope? Is He a God who changes His mind? No. It is I who is not constant. It is my frailty, my weak grasp, my torrential emotions … my humanity.
But enough. Steady my heart and strengthen my feeble knees. He is not man that He should lie. What He says with piercing clarity in the glory remains the same in the aching tension of longings yet unfulfilled. And so I will fight to cling. I will fight stay in peace. I will fight for my heart to remain in ruthless trust.

As surely as He has spoken, His promises shall come to pass. Be it unto me.

Be it unto me.”

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