Love, Musings, Pain, Words

Once upon a dream

“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. 

I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”

Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.

It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man. 

Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.

But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay. 

… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again. 

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Intimacy, Longing, Love, Musings

Of Freedom, Love and Pursuit

A person who feels safe is bound to show you their best. The heart that knows it is loved by present company will blossom beautifully. Because it feels safe, there will not arise any urgency to strive or prove anything. Instead there comes a great freedom to just be. I know this to be true for me – I am the bravest and the most free when I feel loved and safe. But I am so prone to hiding when my heart is wary and unsure. Isn’t it strange how the human heart works? Yet, far be it from us for the condition of our hearts to depend on the risings and fallings of men. It is a shaky road to walk on because even the best and most loving of men can cause hurt sometimes. Nobody is completely constant or safe all the time, even towards those they love. That is the err of human behavior – it comes inevitably as part and parcel of fallen nature. Should we then push everybody away? How then will we cultivate intimacy – the one thing we need most from one another?

Maybe there is an answer. I think, when one abides and is constantly enveloped by the warmth of Father’s arms, there results a great sigh of relief from within – a beautiful freedom to just be because one knows they are already completely accepted; yes, even in the company of those who are not yet safe for the heart. The one who walks in the presence of Divine Love walks in freedom, because their heart is covered by God – irregardless of present company. It is an amazing thing to be free – free to pursue intimacy, free to pursue love – even with imperfect man. (Of course, there is wisdom in knowing which relationships are meant to be pursued with nearness, and which are better off attended to at a distance; but that can be pondered upon another day.) When my heart is being pursued and protected, it is easier for me to pursue the hearts of those who are meant for me to love. I am not as scared of rejection and hurt if I already feel safe. Only when I am loved can I love well.

I want to love well. I want to be pursued, and I want to pursue, because if all of life comes down to love, I want to love well.

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Destiny, Intimacy, Love, Musings, Process, Purpose

Relationships

God sends different people to journey with you in the different seasons of your life. Wisdom is discerning between those meant only to journey with you for a specific season, and those meant to be held close for a lifetime. Wisdom is intentionality in pursuing relationships and friendships. Wisdom is guarding and nurturing covenant relationships that are meant to last a lifetime. Wisdom is also having a spirit of release when a season of relationship is over – to allow both parties to move on to greater heights that were never meant to be journeyed on closely together. It does not mean you love each other any less, but it does mean releasing each other in the Lord in order to allow further growth and expansion. It does not mean cutting off all contact but it does mean not being selfish and not holding each other back. It means trusting that the Lord will bring new friends to walk with both parties in that new season. 

People have walked in and out of my life over the past few years – some were meant only to journey with me for a particular season, while others I know are covenant relationships meant to last a lifetime. I have learnt intentionality when pursuing relationships and friendships. I have learnt the necessity of protecting and pouring into covenant relationships. I have also learnt how to live with an open hand in order to release somebody to the Lord when it is time for the next season in their life and in mine. Discernment, and then the following appropriate intentionality is extremely important. There is no such thing as coincidence – God sends people into our lives for specific seasons and reasons. We must know who belongs to when, and for how long, and then intentionally pursue and act on that. Relationships are important, and never, ever random. Who we surround ourselves with will make or break our destinies. 

Also, I have realized that covenant relationships call for a greater level of intimacy and vulnerability. Although not the rule for every case (because there are seasonal friendships that are no less beautiful and intense), I have found this to be generally true. Wisdom is found in setting boundaries when necessary, and then letting down our guard without fear when God calls for it. Build fences, but never walls. Let those fences have doors, and be brave to open those doors and allow the right people access into the deepest parts of your heart. We were never meant to do this thing called life alone. We must not fear vulnerability when it comes to the right people, or we will rob ourselves of the one thing our hearts were made for – love. 

Be wise and discern, and then be brave. 

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