Coffee, hope, poetry. I don’t know if I’d read it somewhere, but these three words keep ringing wistfully in my head lately. Perhaps it is because they are representative of the things that tug at my heart the most in this life. Oh would we all be so lucky to have our days filled with drawn out coffee conversations, quiet hope and beautiful poetry that makes sense of it all. What else could one ask for. Perhaps it is the simplest things that mean the most after all.
It took me several heartbreaks to finally understand that fighting for love and fighting to be loved were two profoundly different things. Fighting for love is always good, but there is absolutely nothing heroic about the latter. It is not romantic to convince somebody to love you.
I beseech you women, if you ever find yourself pleading for a man to choose you, if you ever find yourself trying to change who you are in order to fit what he wanted, to be prettier, quieter… lesser – turn around and leave. Leave and never look back.
“What are you, fire refusing to be named? I will tell you what you are not.
You are not an afterthought. You are not a magic lamp whose only purpose is to fulfill the desires of another. You are not an oracle or a muse that can be used, exhausted, tapped dry & left convulsing on a mountaintop. You are not a lonely night or a place to hide secrets when no one else is watching. You are not a bodiless voice that whispers comfort to the demons of desperate men, not a vessel from which they can thieve their vitality..
& my God, you are certainly not a second choice.” // Amanda Torroni
Please know when to stay, and when to walk away. Sometimes the line is so thin, and sometimes it takes more than a little while, but you must know it.
– lessons learnt a very hard way.
“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore.
I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”
Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.
It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man.
Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.
But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay.
… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again.
Tonight my heart burns within me. He brings to remembrance things I have locked away and forgotten for far too long.
As I think upon His great love, tears well up in my eyes. I don’t know why I run around in circles when my head knows that it is only Him that I need. When He is the only One who can give me what my heart cries for. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I keep returning back to the same old broken lovers who do nothing but leave scars on my heart.
But oh how Your presence realigns me. You center me back to what truly matters. In a single moment, all these other things that weighed so heavy on me simply fall off. You are the Love that I need, the only Love that matters; that will stand and fiercely fight for my heart at the end of the day.
How I love You, You have not forsaken me.
– Presence Day, KC, 1/05/2017
“The measure of a man is the measure of his heart,
The measure of a man is the measure of his love.”
Few words have struck me as deeply as these. We cannot define greatness on our own terms, we have to define them by His. Only two commandments did He give to us – the entire Law hangs upon these two simple lines. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor.
If all of life comes down to love – if greatness is defined solely by this rightful pursuit of our hearts – then we must learn to do it well. How can we afford otherwise?
At the end of my days, when I stand before Him I want to do so with a heart that is tender, a heart that has been enlarged by life to love and love well. If this is how He defines greatness, then may I always live up to His standards and not the world’s. The world asks me for my career, my beauty, my status, my fame. But He cuts through all of that and asks me of only one thing – my heart.
May I exchange my vain ideas and empty ambitions for what truly counts before the throne of God. I want to build my life upon this one and singular firm foundation, because I know that everything else will one day burn away before His eyes of fire.
You don’t measure me like man may see, You’re looking at my heart; the core of me. When it’s all been said, when it’s all been done, when the race is run – it all comes down to love.
“Did you learn to love?” is what You will ask of me.
“Did you learn to love?” not about my ministry.
“Did you learn to love?” not about my money.
“…Did you learn to love?”
Oh the overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of God
Oh it chases me down, fights till I’m found
Leaves the ninety nine
I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it
Still You give Yourself away.
Even now as I lay awake with the familiar ache that sometimes comes to visit me in the late of night.. I remember that all my longings, they always lead me back to Jesus. Always and forever it will be Jesus.
Fill my heart so with Your love that I will never have to look for it in the arms of another.
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up, coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down, coming after me..