Love, Musings, Pain, Words

Once upon a dream

“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore. 

I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”

Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.

It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man. 

Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.

But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay. 

… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again. 

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Love

Let’s keep the Main Thing the main thing.

Tonight my heart burns within me. He brings to remembrance things I have locked away and forgotten for far too long. 

As I think upon His great love, tears well up in my eyes. I don’t know why I run around in circles when my head knows that it is only Him that I need. When He is the only One who can give me what my heart cries for. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I keep returning back to the same old broken lovers who do nothing but leave scars on my heart. 

But oh how Your presence realigns me. You center me back to what truly matters. In a single moment, all these other things that weighed so heavy on me simply fall off. You are the Love that I need, the only Love that matters; that will stand and fiercely fight for my heart at the end of the day. 

How I love You, You have not forsaken me.

– Presence Day, KC, 1/05/2017 

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Destiny, Love, Purpose, The Voyage

Did You Learn To Love? 

“The measure of a man is the measure of his heart,

The measure of a man is the measure of his love.”

Few words have struck me as deeply as these. We cannot define greatness on our own terms, we have to define them by His. Only two commandments did He give to us – the entire Law hangs upon these two simple lines. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor. 

If all of life comes down to love – if greatness is defined solely by this rightful pursuit of our hearts – then we must learn to do it well. How can we afford otherwise? 

At the end of my days, when I stand before Him I want to do so with a heart that is tender, a heart that has been enlarged by life to love and love well. If this is how He defines greatness, then may I always live up to His standards and not the world’s. The world asks me for my career, my beauty, my status, my fame. But He cuts through all of that and asks me of only one thing – my heart. 

May I exchange my vain ideas and empty ambitions for what truly counts before the throne of God. I want to build my life upon this one and singular firm foundation, because I know that everything else will one day burn away before His eyes of fire. 

You don’t measure me like man may see, You’re looking at my heart; the core of me. When it’s all been said, when it’s all been done, when the race is run – it all comes down to love. 

“Did you learn to love?” is what You will ask of me. 

“Did you learn to love?” not about my ministry. 

“Did you learn to love?” not about my money. 

“…Did you learn to love?”

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Love

It all comes back to You

Oh the overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of God 

Oh it chases me down, fights till I’m found

Leaves the ninety nine

I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it

Still You give Yourself away.

Even now as I lay awake with the familiar ache that sometimes comes to visit me in the late of night.. I remember that all my longings, they always lead me back to Jesus. Always and forever it will be Jesus. 

Fill my heart so with Your love that I will never have to look for it in the arms of another.

There’s no shadow You won’t light up

Mountain You won’t climb up, coming after me

There’s no wall You won’t kick down

Lie You won’t tear down, coming after me.. 

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Intimacy, Longing, Love, Worship

Take me back to the beginning

How do I praise You in my brokenness? How do I give You what You are worthy of when I am only half full? How do I sing, even in my pain, fear and mistrust? 

Bring me back to that place where I could come to You in abandonment. Take me back to when love was simple. Take me back to when trust did not have to make sense. 

I want to sing again. I want to love well again. 

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Love, Musings, Truth

My greatest confidence. 

“For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.” //‭‭ Isaiah‬ ‭57:15‬ ‭

This is He who loves me. 

What peace floods my soul, knowing that there is one like Him who holds the very fabric my life together in power and love. I know who He is – and I know what I mean to Him. It is with this profound truth that I can walk through anything with my head held up high. 

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Love, Musings

If I Know What Love Is 

“There is nothing more human than to be broken in the pursuit of love only to discover that it isn’t love after all because love is what holds us together.”  

I’ve tasted of love that isn’t love at all, but also a love so whole it fills every broken crack in your heart and makes you forget what it was ever like not to feel safe. Real love, it chases me down, catches me off guard and brings my tired heart back to life. It fills my eyes with twinkling light during the day, and it puts me securely to sleep at night. It makes my soul blossom with courage to hope again in goodness and redemption. 

My God restores every little thing that was ever broken. He shows me what real love looks like: not the fake shadow that comes like a wolf in the night to steal from you // not the fleeting emotional kind that comes in the guise of something desirable // not the kind that holds you captive under a web of lies & deceit // not selfish lust that takes and takes but never gives back // not the kind that doles out empty promises but never comes through // not the slippery sand that leaves you wary and second guessing // not the kind that turns around and tears you apart with no second thought.

But the kind that is fiery and true – the kind that sets you free to dance and be who you were always meant to be. The kind that is firm and strong and dependable – a safe shelter for your heart.

If I know what real love is, it is only because I have seen both sides of the coin. In the beginning, they seem similar (as all good half truths do) but eventually it will all unravel to prove as two worlds completely apart. 

You must choose for yourself what you will settle for in this life. 

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