Found me on a basement floor
back when I had lost it all
Told me what the fight was for
and I’m not giving up no more
You elevate the life in me,
illuminate the in-between
Forever gonna feel this free and
I’m not giving up now.
“You are like a dancing dream, full of bright lights and colors and explosion. I could watch you all day and when you speak I never want to stop listening. You make me fall in love without even trying, and you don’t even know it.”
I wrote this ages ago. I never share little pieces like in the moment – it feels too vulnerable. But when it has all passed and when my heart has settled.. the stories become easier to tell.
He made such a mark on my heart. It was a very brief and fragile time, but I catch myself missing it every single day.
Coffee, hope, poetry. I don’t know if I’d read it somewhere, but these three words keep ringing wistfully in my head lately. Perhaps it is because they are representative of the things that tug at my heart the most in this life. Oh would we all be so lucky to have our days filled with drawn out coffee conversations, quiet hope and beautiful poetry that makes sense of it all. What else could one ask for. Perhaps it is the simplest things that mean the most after all.
It took me several heartbreaks to finally understand that fighting for love and fighting to be loved were two profoundly different things. Fighting for love is always good, but there is absolutely nothing heroic about the latter. It is not romantic to convince somebody to love you.
I beseech you women, if you ever find yourself pleading for a man to choose you, if you ever find yourself trying to change who you are in order to fit what he wanted, to be prettier, quieter… lesser – turn around and leave. Leave and never look back.
“What are you, fire refusing to be named? I will tell you what you are not.
You are not an afterthought. You are not a magic lamp whose only purpose is to fulfill the desires of another. You are not an oracle or a muse that can be used, exhausted, tapped dry & left convulsing on a mountaintop. You are not a lonely night or a place to hide secrets when no one else is watching. You are not a bodiless voice that whispers comfort to the demons of desperate men, not a vessel from which they can thieve their vitality..
& my God, you are certainly not a second choice.” // Amanda Torroni
Please know when to stay, and when to walk away. Sometimes the line is so thin, and sometimes it takes more than a little while, but you must know it.
– lessons learnt a very hard way.
“I remember tracing my fingers over your face, trying to memorize every inch of you. I was so afraid that one day you would be taken away from me. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have held you so close. I wanted for nothing else when I was with you. Those days tangled up in you – I never wanted it to end. But now you’re gone and all I’m left with is the ghost of you. Grief cracks my heart wide open. I knew this moment would come. I knew I had to memorize you because one day I wouldn’t be able to hold you anymore.
I met you and it changed me. For once in my life there was something I wanted. So much. I think maybe I loved you more than love allowed.”
Sometimes I scroll through the saved entries in my journal and I shock myself with how real and how potent my emotions were at the time of writing. I remember when I wrote this. It was late into the night – grief had torn my chest wide open and tears were spilling out of my eyes as I typed into my phone with trembling fingers. I had known loss before but not like this. I had known betrayal before but never like this.
It was then that I learnt that love can push you to the brink of esctacy only to kill you in the next moment without so much as a warning sign. And I, I was but a frail doll caught up in the brazen ruthless arms of the wrong man.
Those months were so sleepless. I never want to feel that kind of horrific pain again.
But time is merciful. It softens the blow of wounds and quietly tucks memories away on a little shelf. Time has also made room for a quiet hope inside my heart that one day I might hold a love so sweet and tender in my arms again, this time maybe for real. Maybe to stay.
… I wonder if I will know inside when it is safe to love that deeply again.
Tonight my heart burns within me. He brings to remembrance things I have locked away and forgotten for far too long.
As I think upon His great love, tears well up in my eyes. I don’t know why I run around in circles when my head knows that it is only Him that I need. When He is the only One who can give me what my heart cries for. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I keep returning back to the same old broken lovers who do nothing but leave scars on my heart.
But oh how Your presence realigns me. You center me back to what truly matters. In a single moment, all these other things that weighed so heavy on me simply fall off. You are the Love that I need, the only Love that matters; that will stand and fiercely fight for my heart at the end of the day.
How I love You, You have not forsaken me.
– Presence Day, KC, 1/05/2017