Always

I’ll be here always, he whispered

Tenderness melts my stone cold broken heart

For the first time in a long time, I believed again.

A thousand ways of I love you

I fall in love with you a thousand ways every single day. I love the way your eyes sparkle with mischief, and I love the way they soften with tenderness when they look at me. I love your strong arms at night when they hold me to sleep. I love the calm and determined way you tell me, “I’m here, I’m always here” when tears are pouring down my face. I love how you silence my roaring thoughts. I love the way you treat your mama, it gives me a glimpse of how you will treat me when the years finally show on my face. I love your presence, your simple quiet presence. I love how you see good in everything, in everything and in me. I love the way you fall asleep, bundled up, your chest, rising, falling – so peaceful and perfect and unaware. I love your broad shoulders, how they never seem to carry the weight of the world (they make me believe I could be as weightless too). I love when you’re tired and grumpy, I love when you’re fresh out the shower, hair puffy and in the most endearing mess. I love the tender side you don’t show to anyone else but me. I love the way your eyes crinkle at the sides when you laugh at something silly I did. I’m always silly when I’m with you – you do that to me. You make me the lightest, happiest version of myself.

And that’s what love is isn’t it? You taught me love is simple and pure. It is happy and kind. It is days of laughter, and it is days of the mundane, my hands always intertwined with yours. It breathes life back into the darkest corners of the broken human heart. Aren’t you happy that we found it? That we found us? I’m so happy.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ll say it to you a thousand times over until my words become your reality, just as yours have become mine.

This is about faith.

When it’s new it’s all exciting isn’t it? But as the years go by and as our hurts pile up, our hearts harden against God. Staying in love is hard when you are full of disappointment and disillusionment.

I for one am still on a journey of rediscovering what it means to stay faithful, even after all these years. To allow my heart to soften and to trust again.

A bruised reed You said You will not break, so please be patient with me God.

Dreaming in October

I still have nightmares about the past sometimes. I call them nightmares and not dreams because I do not want them. I do not want to be reminded of any of it. But I tell myself that it is just my subconcious healing.

Dreams are just dreams after all right?

What matters more is the here and now.

This is the live I have chosen to live. This is who I have chosen to love. And my choices have gotta count for something.

you are the dream of my aching heart come true.

you lay in hazy golden sunlight

– so tender and sweet as you sleep.

(i once dreamed of a moment like this.)

at the sight of you,

my soft and withered heart heals.

// written this morning before he stirred awake.

Fool

The prospect of love reduces me into a manic fool. But how can I not be one, when it is the greatest desire, the biggest longing of my godforsaken heart.

How desperate my clutch becomes, how embarrassing.

But love is my desire, my greatest longing and I can’t help but to become a fool for it.

– written months ago, when I first met him.

Change

“You’ve changed,” she said. 

Pain does that. Time, too. 

“Are you proud of it?”

Of course. Of course I am. I’ve fought so hard to grow into every single inch of this new skin. To hold my head up high every single day and carry on. 

When love is here.

I’ve written pages and pages about love and desire. I’ve stayed up late nights thinking about what it means. 

But now that love is here – living and pulsating in my hands – two eyes and a heartbeat; what do I do with it? 

I’m so afraid of breaking it. 

For the first time, what’s past is past.

Things that used to matter so much fade away as I settle into newness of life. Into the arms of you, my newfound love. 

“Doubt thou the stars are fire

Doubt that the sun doth move

Doubt truth be a liar 

But never doubt I love” 

Radiance & Undeniable Beauty

He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high..

You, Lord, laid the foundation of the earth in the beginning, and the heavens are the work of your hands; they will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment, like a robe you will roll them up, like a garment they will be changed. But you are the same, and your years will have no end.

‭‭- Hebrews‬ ‭1:3, 10-12‬ ‭

But despite everything, the beauty of who You are still moves me. Beyond anything else, it still moves me.

You still have my awe.