This is about faith.
When it’s new it’s all exciting isn’t it? But as the years go by and as our hurts pile up, our hearts harden against God. Staying in love is hard when you are full of disappointment and disillusionment.
I for one am still on a journey of rediscovering what it means to stay faithful, even after all these years. To allow my heart to soften and to trust again.
A bruised reed You said You will not break, so please be patient with me God.
He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high..
You, Lord, laid the foundation of the earth in the beginning, and the heavens are the work of your hands; they will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment, like a robe you will roll them up, like a garment they will be changed. But you are the same, and your years will have no end.
- Hebrews 1:3, 10-12
But despite everything, the beauty of who You are still moves me. Beyond anything else, it still moves me.
You still have my awe.
You’re a good good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am, it’s who I am
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us.
What a beautiful song. But as the crowd sang it in church today, I could barely even open my mouth. There was nothing inside me that believed those words. Absolutely nothing. Disappointment has been the theme of my life and it has so clouded my vision and hardened my heart against the goodness of God. Is it even real? Is it even for me? I don’t believe it.
Mighty and holy yes, but a good Father? No. Everything in my experience has dictated to me otherwise. Pain sears my heart when songs like these are sung during worship because I cannot join the congregation of the faithful to declare what I do not believe. It makes me so sad. Life is so hopeless when you don’t know how to believe this one simple truth.
Yet I don’t know how to walk away. I keep hoping that someday, somehow, He will come and prove me wrong. That He will show me His goodness in a way that I can finally understand. He has to. Because I don’t know what else to do anymore.
Will You meet me where I am God? Can you reach me past all my walls? Will You restore and redeem all that has been broken so that I can see Your heart for what it is again? How I need it. How I need it so much..
Used to see You in every ray of sunlight
Now I don’t even know if You hear my cry.
– Dark Night of Faith
There are times when life corners you in so, and all you can do is fall on your face before God for help, hoping against hope that He will come through for you. That your tears are not in vain and that there is a God who sees and hears. That, whatever it looks like, your redemption will come.
Please don’t make me wait for too long, I’m so afraid I might let go.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Don’t give up now, your life has barely just begun. These few short years are but a drop in the bucket of eternity. Our momentary troubles are refining in us real gold – gold of infinite worth that we will only truly see in eternity.
It’s not in vain, none of this is in vain. Yield, surrender, keep trusting, keep going. Find yourself, again and again at the feet of Jesus. It is the only way to live. It is the only true life there is.
One day with unveiled eyes we will see all we have built through the foundations of meekness and trust. We will enter into His presence with our heads held high, absolutely victorious in love. We will, with exceeding joy, receive the great reward of our faith – the delight of Jesus Himself. This is the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. This is where all of this is going.
We must, with diligence, set our eyes on this vision over and over again. Eternity has been written on our hearts for this very reason. To show us where we are going, that we may not lose heart.
There is a reward waiting for the faithful.
Some nights I wonder if I made bed in the right city. There was once a call I heard. I was so sure of it. In the depths of His presence I saw as clear as day. But it was too big, too impossible. Me? I thought. Who am I? I’m nobody. It can’t be. So I asked for a sign. I asked to be shown. I asked to see what I already knew. How I needed it because I was so afraid. I didn’t believe it could be for me.
I waited and waited. For so long, I waited. But nothing ever happened, so one day I stopped waiting.
Did I miss out? I don’t know. But all this time, I just did the best I knew how to. I’ve always done my best. And in the waiting, I lived my life. I’ve made many mistakes along the way, more than I dare to confess. But I’ve also built good things. Wonderful things. Are they God-things? Maybe. Maybe not. He’s been with me all the way though, this I know. And most days that’s been enough to keep me going.
Still, I ponder on all the things that could have turned out differently, had I not asked to be met halfway. Had I not waited. Had I been less afraid. Had I just jumped. Am I a fool? Maybe. Am I too far gone? Did I miss out? I don’t know. Am I lost? Yes most days I still do feel lost. As if I’m running in circles but coming up short every time. The saddest part is that I once saw it all so clearly. But now it just feels like a distant reality. I feel so far from all He once sung over me. Now I’m not sure if there is even a place for me to go back to anymore.
I asked to be led – but here I am today.
I try not to ask too many questions anymore because having them unanswered is just too confusing. Everyday I just put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. What else can I do? I don’t know what else to do.
Please don’t leave me behind.
Tonight my heart burns within me. He brings to remembrance things I have locked away and forgotten for far too long.
As I think upon His great love, tears well up in my eyes. I don’t know why I run around in circles when my head knows that it is only Him that I need. When He is the only One who can give me what my heart cries for. You’d think I’d have learnt by now but I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I keep returning back to the same old broken lovers who do nothing but leave scars on my heart.
But oh how Your presence realigns me. You center me back to what truly matters. In a single moment, all these other things that weighed so heavy on me simply fall off. You are the Love that I need, the only Love that matters; that will stand and fiercely fight for my heart at the end of the day.
How I love You, You have not forsaken me.
– Presence Day, KC, 1/05/2017
“The measure of a man is the measure of his heart,
The measure of a man is the measure of his love.”
Few words have struck me as deeply as these. We cannot define greatness on our own terms, we have to define them by His. Only two commandments did He give to us – the entire Law hangs upon these two simple lines. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor.
If all of life comes down to love – if greatness is defined solely by this rightful pursuit of our hearts – then we must learn to do it well. How can we afford otherwise?
At the end of my days, when I stand before Him I want to do so with a heart that is tender, a heart that has been enlarged by life to love and love well. If this is how He defines greatness, then may I always live up to His standards and not the world’s. The world asks me for my career, my beauty, my status, my fame. But He cuts through all of that and asks me of only one thing – my heart.
May I exchange my vain ideas and empty ambitions for what truly counts before the throne of God. I want to build my life upon this one and singular firm foundation, because I know that everything else will one day burn away before His eyes of fire.
You don’t measure me like man may see, You’re looking at my heart; the core of me. When it’s all been said, when it’s all been done, when the race is run – it all comes down to love.
“Did you learn to love?” is what You will ask of me.
“Did you learn to love?” not about my ministry.
“Did you learn to love?” not about my money.
“…Did you learn to love?”
I’ve always loved the story of Mary and her alabaster jar. Withholding nothing she broke her most precious treasure and poured it all out upon the feet of the One she loved.
Do you know how you have come face to face with the presence of God? It is when the only response that remains is the burning desire to pour all of yourself out before Him. To give and give and give of every last drop of your soul until there is absolutely nothing left.
More than just emotion, more than just fleeting feelings, the Holy Spirit quickens us out of our natural apathy and selfishness as we behold the face of One so worthy that we cannot help but to desperately fall at His feet and freely give our all.
“I want to be Yours. Please, only let me be Yours.” This is the heart wrenching cry that rings through the chambers of my dry and dusty soul when His presence sweeps over my heart like a fiery wind.
To be fully given to the One who has given it all to be near to us. To yield and surrender into perfect oneness. To love, not just in parts but in complete and utter entirety. This – this is the sweetest fragrance of worship.
“… And you shall love the Lord Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your entire soul and with your entire mind and with all your power.” Mark 12:30
Thoughts of Eternity 