I’m standing here. I’m standing here and I’m looking around me and all I see are broken pieces. I kneel down and try to pick them up – but all I do is cut myself on these ragged glass edges. Tell me what to do. Please, just tell me what to do.
I can’t bear the sight of all this.
And now with nothing else left to hold on to
But my naked bleeding heart
I run
Run to You.
//
Please don’t forsake me God.
My hope is in You.
I used to call you a stranger
I shook my head and laughed
when you asked me to marry you
“You don’t even know me!”
Grinning, you said, “I know enough.”
//
The days passed
I fell in love
Fondly I called you
my home, my safe place
The steady rhythm of your heart
comforted me like nothing I’d ever known.
Nothing else mattered
when your strong arms held me close.
//
But just as time comes for everything
so did it come for us.
And for reasons I will never understand
now you have become
a stranger again.
City lights
That once shined so bright
All a blur now
Lost
in a kaleidoscope of memories
//
I am left with the remains
the ghost
of a beautiful stranger.
When every dream has turned to dust
and your highest hopes
no longer soar.
//
When places you
once yearned to see
grow further away
on distant shores.
//
When every night
you close your eyes
and long inside
for something more.
//
Remember this
and only this
if nothing else
you can recall –
There was a life
a girl once led,
when you were loved
the most of all.
It’s been a weary few months, with my heart being tossed to and fro by the waves. Most of the time my pain feels like a maze I will never be able to climb my way out of. I am tired of the uncertainty that surrounds me. I speak of hope to the people around me, even though I am not sure if I have any left for myself. There are nights when I lie in bed with tears falling down my face, wondering how I ever got here to this place. Wondering why I keep looking for happiness in the place I lost it. I cry myself to exhaustion, and finally fall asleep in a dreamless haze, only to wake up to questions unanswered and longings unfulfilled yet again.
Please heal my heart Jesus. I don’t know how to heal it myself. I don’t know how I got here.
I wrote this a year ago. This battle has not changed. It is one that rages fiercer than ever before. I thought it would have been over by now, but I am still fighting. I feel a tiredness that is bone deep. My doubt and fear – so real. Help me God, I’m afraid I might let go.
“The Lord is kind to give us startling moments of intense prophetic clarity during the heights of encounter. It is of utter importance to cling onto these moments because just as quickly as they come, they can, just as quickly, be clouded by the torrent of our emotions the moment we allow even a hint of doubt to enter into our hearts. It is true that we must choose our battles wisely, and perhaps one of the most important battles we will ever have to fight is the one that rages to smother our God-given words and dreams. I cannot even begin to tell you how many hopes and desires I have let flower, only to then wither and choke under the weeds of doubt, uncertainty, fear and discouragement. Was He lying when He showed me these things? Was it false hope? Is He a God who changes His mind? No. It is I who is not constant. It is my frailty, my weak grasp, my torrential emotions … my humanity.
But enough. Steady my heart and strengthen my feeble knees. He is not man that He should lie. What He says with piercing clarity in the glory remains the same in the aching tension of longings yet unfulfilled. And so I will fight to cling. I will fight stay in peace. I will fight for my heart to remain in ruthless trust.
As surely as He has spoken, His promises shall come to pass. Be it unto me.
Be it unto me.”
Thoughts of Eternity 